


i like the way i look through your eyes

by ohmymai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Rugby, Angst, Boarding-All-Boys-School AU, Bullying, Comedy, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Rugby player!Wakatoshi, Slight homophobic language, Underage Drinking, not a lot since it makes me uncomfy, omg they were roommates, teacher!Akaashi Keiji, well all Shiratorizawa now plays rugby instead of volley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmymai/pseuds/ohmymai
Summary: Tendou has always thought that different doesn't make you stronger, as he well knows, being different is just getting targeted as the suspect of jokes and bullying. His whole school life has been based on it.So when his father signs him up to rugby-obsessed all-boys Shiratorizawa Boarding School he knows life won't get easier for him. Even more, in his second year, he gets paired up with the personification of all those jock-athletes he tries to avoid, Ushijima Wakatoshi.Amazingly, they form a pretty unique bond once they know each other.or. Handsome Devil Ushiten AU
Relationships: Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	1. Living with miracle boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is gonna be my first long fic in a long time so that haha 
> 
> I saw this movie the other day because my mom thought it would be some straight comedy movie even when the summary seems sus so I was already like engaged in it and THEN both characters were so like Tendou and Ushijima that I didn't remember their names I just kept saying "That's Ushijima and Tendou" in every scene so here am I, writing for a ship that's not even my OTP idk who I can imagine so much for Ushiten but not my supreme ships ?? don't get me wrong I love all ships and I would totally give Ushiten what they deserve
> 
> I'm not sure how to do these but I'll leave here a TW because I loved this movie but yeah I was not very comfy about some language, especially slurs since I don't like using them even if they're not in my language 
> 
> TW: minor character death (just mentioned if it makes you uncomfortable you can start reading from second paragraph )  
> TW: Homophobia  
> TW: Bullying 
> 
> And towards the end is just this little one but in the case of: 
> 
> TW: Slight violence(a small fight) and blood (from a nosebleed but I'll say it for precaution)
> 
> Also, eng is not my first language and I don't have a beta-reader nor friends who speak eng who can correct this, my only tools were school, Grammarly and google docs so if there's an error let me know, please ;u; 
> 
> Well then, enjoy!

_Mourning, it’s something that happens after you lose someone dear to you, it takes a lot of time for one and little for others, for my father it took like a week of mourning after my mother passed away._

_One month after he was marrying his assistant and said lovely lady was the one to get the idea to live in Dubai, but guess what, apparently a strange 16-year-old boy like me wasn’t in her plans, so the best excuse she could come up with was to convince my father to put me in a boarding school, but not any boarding school -if there’s something normal about boarding schools, they’re places to throw your child away for at least half a year without having to see them, like grown-up childcare- they had to pick the most pretentious, archaic and stupid all-boys boarding school that they could find._

_Apparently, my father thought that an old-ass-rugby-obsessed school was going to give me some sense of identity because, in his words, I don’t even try to fit. Yeah, like I planned all the beating-ups I had to face in my other school, or as if I enjoyed being called names every time I walked down the hallways, like if I was proud of being called a freak, a weirdo, a sissy, a monster ._

_If that happened in a regular school I knew my destiny in Shiratorizawa would have been the same on a regular basis and I was not wrong, since day 1 when I refused to throw a rugby ball to someone I was labeled as -drum roll- a pussy! And when nearly all the fucking school teams up on that it’s hard to take it away from you._

_But hey! At least I did have a cool dorm and all by myself also, right? Also wrong, because apparently, my life is a shit-hole._

_That pleasure only lasted like a day, enter miracle boy, Ushijima Wakatoshi- though I really didn’t know his name at the time._

_When I first saw him he was actually doing push-ups shirtless in our shared room...so pardon me if I totally panicked at that. At first glance, I knew he wasn’t anything like me like he was the total opposite, the one that would team up with everyone else to bully on the less fortunate souls like skinny lame guys like me. But, of course, the principal wouldn’t know of the high-school status hierarchy and how it would be actually better for both of us to never see each other again! Quite a fool I was._

_Even better, Ushijima was, in fact, a famous young athlete in his last school, which I should have known if I cared a fuck about sports, it would have been helpful to know, at least I wouldn’t have been surprised on suddenly hosting a meeting for the entirety of the rugby team on my room._

“Practice starts tomorrow at 6, coach Washijo wants you there early and he’s a bit of an asshole so you better be there on time,” Semi said to which Ushijima could only nod, taking mental notes of all the things the team had started to discuss with him as soon as they found his room and practically crashed into it.

Eyes flickered from Semi to the person on the door, _on his dorm_ , Tendou froze as soon as he caught a glance of muscular athletes taking up every inch of his small room.

“I’ll- I’ll come back later”

“Wait there, freak” 

“Is this your roommate, Ushiwaka?” 

“I think so, it’s the second time I see him” the guy spoke with a low serious tone, his face was also so expressionless that he almost didn’t seem to fit with the rest of the shit-eating-grinned team. 

“You might request a change of rooms, pal”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know, thought you might find it uncomfortable to share a room with a homo”

Ushijima’s eyes grew wide at the words, so Tendou could only sigh, so he did was the same as everyone else. He was tired of it so he just accepted it as it was and stepped into the room.

“Yeah, thanks for making it clear, now do you mind getting out of my fucking room?” he punctuated by leaning on the door and pointing the way out with a sly smile. 

“Listen, _monster_ , you’re not the one to be ordering around here” team captain, Atsumu said walking closer to him, Tendou knew this was dangerous, he recognized Atsumu’s smile in a way that reminded him of sharp punches and cruel jokes, but he also knew that it was better to keep it cool, so even as he felt his smile waver he keep on the cool facade. “We’re gonna throw a fuckin’ party here every day if we want to, you know why?” 

“Pretty sure you want to explain that” he muttered, Atsumu getting too close for his liking.

“‘Cause Ushiwaka-kun is one of ours. And we do what we want.” Tendou could practically sense the danger, fight or flight responses tingling, so of course, he did the least reasonable. 

“Aren’t you a little too close for your fragile heterosexuality to get hurt, Miya-kun?” and even more stupidly, his instinct to Atsumu’s slap on his cheek was to grab his hand to prevent another and maybe, just maybe, to try to throw a punch of his own, which never came because Atsumu retracted immediately as if his grip was nothing. 

“Touch me again and I’ll fuckin’ call assault” Atsumu’s push against his chest actually made him lose balance which caused a fit of giggles to exploit in the room. “We’re going. ‘M feeling as if I’ll catch _something_ if we stay longer.” 

And as the team would follow anything that was said to them, they all got up and started to leave the room not before giving him a glance or another push. 

“Ya comin’?”

_He lifted his face, Ushijima was the only one left in the room, and there was something indecipherable on his eyes as he silently held his gaze, is not as if he was expecting something from him, but the lack of a comment or minimal aggression was intriguing, in the end, Ushijima just put on his shoes and left with the others._

_So just like the others. That was what I thought from our first encounter, and if the school wouldn’t let me distance myself from him I could put up a wall between us...and I’m not metaphorically speaking._

_Ushijima-kun did make the effort to ask to be changed but apparently, he couldn’t find in himself to give a good reason to explain it to the principal, I appreciated the effort but mine was cooler. By the time Ushijima walked back into the room the next morning after sleeping in god-knows-where I had built the greatest furniture-and-trunks wall that would’ve put Berlin’s Wall to shame, I named it 'Tendou's Wall'._

_In terms of actual education, it was all boring as hell, all teachers were dull old people who seem to be as excited as we were in taking his classes, with just a little exception: professor Keiji Akaashi._

_Old teachers don’t let themselves be intimidated by asshole’s students mostly because they don’t care, but professor Akaashi, a new face calm and probably in his mid-thirties, was fresh meat and everyone was expecting to get a little fun out of it. Grand mistake._

He walks into class, the room already a mess, full of teens shouting and throwing stuff at each other. Tendou is probably the only one who stares at neatly written ‘Mr. Akaashi’ on the board, Akaashi seems unimpressed with all the chaos roaring around him, his eyes follow the paper plane that crashed next to his head with unreadable eyes and his voice is firm when he speaks.

“Taichi Kawanishi, did you throw that thing?” the room fell silent and they all go still, Akaashi nods and starts to walk around the classroom, slow steps in between rows of desks.

“Age:16, birthday: April 15, pollen allergies,” he starts enlisting like some kind of a mind-reader, eyes started to wonder in Taichi’s direction and so do Akaashi’s steps. “Your father is a lawyer and your mom...a stay-at-home.” he finally stops right in front of his desk and the tiniest grin pulls from his lips, his eyes are as cold as stone. “Congratulations, Kawanishi-san, you won today’s ‘greatest idiot’ competition and therefore a ban from today’s class, thank you very much.” Akaashi’s eyes show no sign of mercy, so they all watch in silence how Taichi grabs his stuff and leaves the classroom before Akaashi returns to the front of the class, is not the best but sometimes you gotta earn respect based on fear, so now he smiles softly and clasp his hands together, making them all jump in place. 

“I’m not a psychic at all, I knew all that from just reading Kawanishi-san’s files and I know a lot about all of you too, so I would not underestimate the knowledge one gets from reading.” Tendou hums, because that is interesting, Akaashi seems like the kind of teacher that won’t make him wish for a kind of disaster to occur so just they can get out of class. 

“Now that we have some peace, I’ll give you your next assignment, an essay,” you can see how Akaashi’s little intimidation technique was effective when you say ‘assignment’ and you don’t hear a groan from every single one of the souls in the room, that’s saved for later when he announces the title of the said essay. “You’re gonna name it: A family member” that’s their cue to groan in displeasure. “I know it’s lame. But that’s the whole point, make yourselves look interesting, show us who you are...if you dare”

_Essays were a pain in the ass, but like everything you are forced to do, you have to somehow make it tolerable, and my way of making essays tolerable was just bullshitting my way out of them, I usually used lyrics to old-underground songs in them, just to have something to fill blank pages with, my teachers were always too old to recognize them anyway and they’re a thing I can laugh at for a short amount of time, even if I’m the only one that gets the joke, the only one to care._

Ushijima seems to pick the clue about them, or maybe he’s just as disgusted as everyone else by his presence, or maybe is something less deep than that and he just has rugby practice but as he’s strumming his fingers across the strings of his guitar he can’t help but wonder. Tendou doesn’t know how to play the guitar, but it seems cool and the pressure of strings against his fingers seems just right sometimes, he likes to fidget with it. 

“Please fuck off” he calls when there’s a knock on his door even as he stands to open, guitar still in hand as a useful utensil, except it’s not a bully nor Ushijima, at his door is Akaashi, looking at him confused with a brow raised. 

“Sorry, sir.” he jumps. “I thought you were a…” _bully_ “a classmate”

“Well I’m not” he comments but he still seems confused, looking past him and at his room. “What’s with the Berlin Wall?” 

“It was necessary” he sighs looking back himself, it really looks like a mess but at least this way they can both live together without actually _living together._

“Who’s your roommate?”

“Honestly, I don’t know”

“Seems like you’re great at making new friends” Akaashi’s face has fallen back into monotony, the initial shock probably passed and even if Tendou had thought of him as the only cool teacher he has he’s not in a kinda mood for small talk. 

“He’s a rugby player, and look at me. It’ll be better for both of us to just...this” he gestures at the separation wall and Akaashi just hums. 

“Anyways,” he says. “you forgot this at class” he hands him the books he’s holding in one hand, and Tendou can just bow a little and put them away in one of the desks that serve as a wall. “Can you play that?” Akaashi is pointing at his guitar still in his hand and he wants to curse. 

“Kinda”

“And you’re gonna let me hear?” 

“I-, I’m-, okay, yeah, whatever”

Tendou takes his place again on the bed and feels Akaashi’s attentive gaze as he fidgets until his fingers are in the right position and he strums, a perfect chord riping through the air, and that’s the end of his repertory so he just does it again, in hopes Akaashi would turn around and leave or just straight up tells him to stop. 

“That’s the only-”

“The only chord I know? Yeah,” he interrupts, too embarrassed to let him finish. 

“Okay” he doesn’t look up to him but he sees Akaashi’s fingers pointing at some of his strings. “Put your finger here and here” he steals a brief glace of Akaashi, he’s still looking bored at his fingers as he re-arranges them, so he does as he’s told. “Now do it.” Tendou strums again, the sound is clear and different so he repeats it and looks back at Akaashi who is now walking through the door again, the man gives him a small glance accompanied by a smirk. “Now you know two chords”

* * *

Ushijima isn't someone who tends to get late, but of course, his first day of practice was perfect for that. He rushed into the locker room only for it to be empty, which probably wasn’t a good sign, so he changed into his sports clothes only to find that his shoes were missing, so he added a lot more lateness in running to a classroom because now he remembered that they were left there. On his second rush to the lockers, an old man was there, even if Ushijima was probably a foot taller than him he could feel his gaze burning in him, examining and trying to look deep into his soul, he gulped. 

“I apologize, I had some troubles with my uniform and I assure you it will not happen again.” the coach gave him the tiniest nod and he began to put on his shoes so he wouldn’t delay the training more. 

“Ushijima”

“Yes?”

“You seem like a great athlete and probably you’ll be exactly what this team needed, but I’m gonna ask you for one thing” he finished tying his shoes and gave a look to the coach who stands there in all seriousness and dignified looks. “You put a foot on my court and the only thing I want you to focus on is rugby, you got me?” Ushijima nod and stood up. “Just be yourself and the team will accept you”

“Yes, sir”

The coach guided him through the field where the rest of his teammates were chatting in a circle, the sound of the whistle ripped through the air and drew attention to them as they approached. 

“Listen up, we were close to classifying in last year’s tournament and I'm hoping you all will give better results for this one. In addition to that, Ushijima here won a said tournament with his school” so he could feel all eyes on him, but he stood still as Washijo continued speaking. “We’re gonna start with a match so Ushijima can catch up everyone’s level, go”

“Watch this” Atsumu said to Semi as they took positions on the opposing team as Ushijima, the white-haired boy could only roll his eyes, yeah, Atsumu liked to brag about his abilities but not like his ass would be capable of anything against taller and broader Ushijima. 

Once the whistle indicated the start the ball flew from one to another, Ushijima managed to get a pass and he kicked the ball perfectly just as he has done millions of time before, allowing himself a brief moment to enjoy the curve that the ball did in its precise trajectory to another teammates arms, that’s until Atsumu tackled him to the grass. Oh, but this was a perfect opportunity. 

Atsumu’s grinned was erased in milliseconds when Ushijima flipped him to the ground and before he could process that, the taller man was connecting punch after another right on his face, even after the whistle blew again and he was even fighting against Hayato and Shirabu who were pulling them away from him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with ya?” Atsumu roared, spitting blood into the grass and trying to stop his nosebleed. “Ya fuckin’ monster”

“Well then...” the coach said just slightly amused, someone may say that the look he gave to Atsumu was one of pity but none on the team were one to point it out. “Seems like you can go to the infirmary, Miya, and...Goshiki take Ushijima’s place while he takes a break”

“A break?” the low rumble of his voice was enough for Shirabu and Hayato to take their hands away from him, the intensity of his eyes, with no signs of remorse or explanations as to what just happened, was enough to make the team shiver. “We just started”

“Seems right then” Washijo grinned looking at Atsumu getting up from the field, disgusted and pinching his nose so the blood would stop. 

Intrigued and kinda intimidated, Shiratorizawa’s rugby team had the best of the practices they had always had, turns out Ushijima Wakatoshi is one of the best players to ever step on Shiratorizawa when he's not breaking brat's noses.


	2. A lesson learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi has an important lesson to teach.
> 
> Meanwhile, Tendou discovers to not judge a book by its cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm here again I sub estimated how much I wrote so now I'm re-reading my drafts and everything is like signalized but not actually written and also it's getting difficult to know when to make the cut for a chapter haha 
> 
> Anyway, I like this chapter it's so I hope you enjoy!

"I told you to show me your true selves for this essay, and I have to say you turned in quite interesting works." Akaashi lectures them as he walks through the desks, returning essays to everyone, Tendou notices how he skips his desk, something feels wrong. "But from everyone I have to say one was pretty...remarkable." when he's finally at the front there's only one essay on his hands and Tendou is the only one without his work. "Tendou Satori" he announces as if he didn't already know. "Want to read it out loud?" 

"Not really" 

"I insist." 

And as always, Akaashi's eyes show no mercy as he held his professor's gaze, so Tendou huffs and gets up, almost bowing theatrically at the 'boos' he gets. 

"Everyone shut up!" even the slightest rise in his usually monotone voice is enough to shut them so he gets to the front of the classroom in awfully awkward silence, he takes his easy from Akaashi's hand and doesn't even try to look at the rest of the classroom as he clears his throat and starts reading. 

_"I have a cousin who'd surely destined for heaven"_ from the corner of the eye he can see Akaashi moving which is weird so he glances at him, Akaashi presses one button, and the speakers he has placed on the table start a song, his song, _oh._

"Continue" merciless as always, Akaashi's eyes are cold but maybe he can continue before the others can catch up on what's happening, his hands shaking aren't making the reading easier. 

" _I don't know how to explain to my mother that I and my cousin are not the same."_ Too late, he grunts as his next sentence is perfectly timed with the music. " _My perfect cousin…_ " that's when it clicks to everyone in the class, laugh exploits on the classroom, he almost can't hear it from his heartbeat ringing on his ears. 

Akaashi's speakers are drowning his voice but he doesn't want to move, like if the laughs of his classmates around him won't reach him if he doesn't, so he continues reading, eyes burning and hands trembling. 

"Sit down" Akaashi mutters with a hand on his shoulder, Tendou notices then that his voice is barely audible even if the music stopped, he nods and takes the shame walk back to his seat until his calm professor voice roars in the room, and if they thought Akaashi's voice was frightening when raising it, it is _terrifying_ as he shouts. "Everyone shut up!" the book previously on his hand lands on the desk with a sharp noise and the laughing stops. "You shouldn't be laughing, you should be _thinking_ , but seems like that's also too much to ask from you." his hands clasp together and he stares directly at them, like if he's thinking of his next words. "I wasn't trying to publicly humiliate Tendou. But this was a lesson for you all to—" 

The bell rings just in time to cut him and everyone gathers their things in a hurry to get out of there as soon as they can, Tendou steals a glance at his professor, Akaashi is fidgeting with his hands and from the way his fingers intermingle almost aggressively he's probably frustrated by having his students' attention stole over, but he just endured a humiliating act so he's not the one to be compassionate now, as he also starts making his way out, Akaashi stops as if he already decided how he'll unleash hell. 

"Okay, stop!" He shouts the way he loses composure never fails to make them all freeze, waiting for the next emotional reaction of this otherwise calm man. "Never speak with a borrowed voice. If you live speaking as someone else _when are you going to live for yourselves?_ " he sighed before lifting his glasses to his hair so just he could pinch at his nose, migraines were quite frequent when trying to educate 16-year-old teens. "Go now"

* * *

Ushijima and Tendou don’t find themselves actually sharing the room too often, with lectures and rugby practice, Ushijima is usually in the room just to sleep and Tendou tends to disappear into places just to avoid his roommate, when he’s not and actually decides to chill in their room- because it is also HIS room, he shouldn't be avoiding the only place he has- and Ushijima is there, the only sounds in the dorm are Tendou’s softly played music and maybe the sounds from his guitar accompanied sometimes by soft grunts or heavy breathing which indicates him that Ushijima is somehow working out, not as he can see, Tendou’s Wall does its job.

So when he hears the rugby player clearing his throat, audibly, _twice_ , he knows he can’t avoid this upcoming conversation, not like he couldn’t feel Ushijima’s gaze on him through the top of the Wall-of course he has to be tall enough to peek from it. 

“I’ll turn off the music if you actually ask”

“That wasn’t the problem” Tendou hums, this is probably the most words they have exchanged in the entire month they’ve been living together. 

“So there’s a problem?” the red-head inquires, giving him a quirked look. 

“No- I...wasn’t trying to imply that” now he’s curious, as to why now loved-by-all-school perfect-rugby-player Ushijima Wakatoshi is trying to talk to him, intentionally. So Tendou doesn’t push him as he seems to clear his thoughts to finally talk. “I liked what you did in class, with Akaashi-sensei”

“A fool of myself?” He questions and he can see Ushijima frowning. 

“I didn’t think it was foolish.” he immediately replies. “I mean it was a very creative way of doing the assignment without actually doing it” and that makes him scoff, he’s trying very hard to not get offended by it, but-

“I did the assignment” he replies, maybe harsher than he meant but Ushijima doesn’t seem affected by it. “I put thought to it, it’s just- a joke. Older teachers don’t catch on the songs I use, didn’t think Akaashi-san would.” he smiles without humor at him and waves, meaning: conversation ended, and Ushijima catches on, he can see his head disappearing from the top of The Wall. 

"I mean, it'll be weird talking about you or your family to complete strangers so... I like what you did"

Curiosity creeps to him when nothing but silence from the other side comes, and it shouldn’t be weird but Tendou wonders. So he peeks from one of the tiniest cracks in The Wall, one that he couldn't figure out how to cover because apparently their nightstand and the desk don’t fit together. Ushijima is also peeking but neither of them looks away when they catch on the other’s curious eyes. 

“I liked the song you used” Ushijima’s voice is muttered from there but is not that what makes him raise an eyebrow is the fact that they’re talking again. 

“You’re just trying to mock me” defensiveness is the best thing he knows so that’s what he does, try to discover Ushijima’s true intention.

“I am not” 

“For real?”

“I don’t have a liking in making fun of others”

“You punched Miya straight in the face, broke his nose too” Ushijima’s eyes grew wide when he pointed it out and if he wasn’t looking at him the way his voices came out nice and collected would have fooled him. 

“How do you know it was me?”

“Rumors” he answers simply. “Even I am aware of them”

“Well, he deserved it” to which Tendou cackles, of course he did, but nobody had the guts to point it out before, especially him since Atsumu decided to pick on him from day one. Tendou makes a dangerous consideration at this, and decides maybe is not so crazy to give this guy a chance, right? Maybe he’s worth his time and even if not...hasn’t life supposed to be crazy?

“You really liked the song?” he asks once his laughter has calmed down and Ushijima stands up again just to look at him from where he can from The Wall. 

“I did” so he smiles. 

“Follow me then”

Turns out before Shiratorizawa became a cradle of rugby-centered-brats they had a lot more of activities to indulge in, Tendou discovered that when he found what seems to be an old theater club room above the stage of the school’s auditorium, it’s full of old boxes filled with costumes, old pieces of scenery and the walls are packed with posters, drawings and stickers of different times, illuminated by a dim light bulb, but what he loves most about this place is not the coziness of its low roof or the old puffs who still do their function of being a great place to nap into, no, it’s the racks filled with vinyl records and the turntable there. 

Tendou allows himself to smile proudly when Ushijima’s eyes grow wide at the sight, the athlete goes up to scan through the old albums and he hears him hum as he recognizes some of the titles. 

“You like it? It’s my favorite place of all this shitty school” he says making himself comfortable in one of the puffs, Ushijima’s chuckle is low enough to make him shiver. 

“I didn’t imagine we had a place like this” 

“ _I_ have a place like this” Tendou corrects him. “Nobody comes here aside from me...and now you, hope you don’t tell your rugby friends and turn this into a mancave. I don’t think I’ll find somewhere cooler than here”

“I won’t if that’s what you want” the redhead is glad Ushijima busies himself with the guitar he left there yesterday because now he’s seriously concerned as to why, why does this image of Ushijima don’t suit at all what he pictured of him? The way his fingers dance across the strings to create a beautiful new chord that he doesn’t know is what snaps him back to attention. 

“How do you know that?” he demands to know. 

“I like music” he hands him his guitar back and Tendou is immediately trying to copy Ushijima’s fingers position so he can play himself. “Rugby doesn’t have to be the only thing I like, right?” Tendou hums, disinterested, and tries to recreate the sweet sound of the guitar that Ushijima did. He celebrates when he gets it by repeating it incessantly. 

“Do you have any more hobbies where you excel at, miracle boy?” he teases with a smile, Ushijima’s blank expression seems to soften the tiniest bit, maybe it’s just the light that makes his eyes shine and it could be just the shadows playing on his face that make Tendou believe that Ushijima’s lips are stretching the tiniest into a fond smile. 

“I don’t excel at it, neither on the others, I think, but” so he contains his comments and stares at him, talking ever so calmly yet his voice is hard as always. “My dad had a boat and we would go fishing” 

“Fishing?” he retorts softly. That’s quite an image to take, what’s next? That he’s good at taking care of plants too?

“That was the least pleasant part. I liked to sit on the bow. It felt...calm” he clears his throat and all the soft features Tendou thought his face had shown are gone. “That’s until my dad became...interested in other hobbies”

“You still had the boat tho?”

“Probably”

“Cool”

* * *

_ I hadn't noticed earlier because I was always by myself but once Wakatoshi and I started talking more frequently after that night I realized that I did really miss having a friend.  _

_ I mean we weren’t the most compatible people in the world but turns out I was so stubborn in trying to find things to differentiate us that I haven't realized how much we could have in common, like music, or superheroes, mangas, books… _

_ And I wouldn’t say it out loud at that time but I started to like Wakatoshi-kun’s company and my defenses were also breaking down, piece by piece, like Tendou’s Wall who started to lose height day by day until suddenly Wakatoshi was helping me put the wardrobe back to its original place.  _

_ Things also got a lot better in classes.  _

_ Akaashi-san's lectures were always fun, he gradually led us to think, then to be a group, and let me tell you that recondition teens to act differently from their usual selves was an impressive achievement, he changed us all, he changed me, to the point where I was actually talking to other people and not just for the sake of some assignment. We all loved Akaashi-sensei and would always cooperate with his lectures that's until he decided that since we were his best -only- class he wanted us to participate in the talent show of a nearby school, which was lame as fuck, and of course, I was the first one to decided to stay away from all that nonsense.  _

_ So of course, Akaashi-sensei chose me and Ushijima, apparently, he saw us play those guitars and we were the only ones to have something worth a talent show. _

_ As Ushijima and I rehearsed in the old theater club room, we were sure it was only gonna go downwards.  _

"So how's it going?" Akaashi had the audacity to ask them even when they were sure he was listening to the agonizing sounds of their guitar strings from the door. 

"Not good"

"Horrible" 

Akaashi sighed and walked to the racks of vinyl records analyzing them while waiting for them to keep arguing against his decision to put them on the talent show. 

"We don't know how to play that well" he pointed because he was almost certain that Ushijima could do more but he wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to put more effort into it than needed. "So instrumental won't do and neither of us wants to sing" 

"Why not? It's not cool enough for you, Tendou-san?" 

"Well...yeah" he doesn't say that he also thinks his voice would do horrible, Ushijima maybe, his voice is all low and sultry there has to be something that would sound amazing for him but of course he wouldn't put that pressure on his friend. 

"Ah, Tendou-san you need to stop worrying about what seems cool and start seeing other traits in things" the teacher pulls out his phone and smiles slightly while tapping on it several times. 

"Like what?" Ushijima gives him a slight frown so he relaxes, Ushijima has grown a habit to frown at him every time he sounds overly defensive, ha can't help it, this whole thing has him stressed and he knows he shouldn't have accepted it in the first place but since his friend didn't oppose to it he decided to roll with it. 

"Like the beauty of things" Akaashi announces and the music starts to pour out of his phone's speakers, first it comes a light melody of guitar strings that seem easy enough for them to copy. 

_ "Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City?"  _

Akaashi just stands there with a sly grin on his face as he watches them trying to analyze the song, it doesn't sound too difficult to play, Tendou can even recognize some of the chords, they both know they're considering it but there's still the big issue, who would take the fall and sing? 

"Both of your voices would do well with it I think" 

"Both?" Ushijima asks and the teacher nods. 

"Then both of you will sing, nobody takes the 'humiliation' alone" Ushijima and Tendou look at each other, they know they're hardcore considering it. "Name of the song on the post-it I left there," Akaashi says pointing at the turntable as he starts to leave the room almost stumbling into Semi, he scrunches his nose involuntarily as to almost being run over by a student. "Careful, Semi-san, you're not an animal" 

"Sorry sir," he says bowing slightly and letting the teacher out, he then looks hurriedly at Ushijima. "Dude, practice is in 5" 

He immediately stands up and leaves his guitar on his seat, looks apologetically at Tendou who only smiles a little and nods. He understands that Ushijima is not a man like him, he might know this side of greatest player Ushiwaka, but still knows he's just stealing him from the well-deserved spotlight he has. 

"Have fun, Wakatoshi-kun~" he sings while he annihilates the strings of his guitar, he can see a small smile creep out of his friend's lips before he's leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay the first song i actually used the one from the movie since I couldn't think of any other that could do the trick, the ones I was thinking of were like pretty known so the 'joke' of just Tendou knowing they were lyrics and not an actual essay wouldn't have work, for the second song I was also gonna use the one from there but I was listening to a Ushijima playlist and I liked this song so know they're gonna sing it c:<
> 
> I also really like Akaashi as a teacher ??? like I just think he'll be neat, like not too much homework but even if you don't realize it you're learning ??? idk my favorite teachers were always like literature ones so maybe I'm vibing with him because of that lol don't make him mad tho he'll rip your throats 
> 
> Next part was my favorites since tension and kinda angst start to build up so I'm gonna have the time of my life with it I just hope I don't fuck them up lol 
> 
> Kudos, comments, bookmarks are all appreciated I would love to hear your thought on this so let me know uwu
> 
> Take care, stay safe and see you next update <3


	3. The struggle of being him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiratorizawa has to play the quarter-finals and whatever the result on the match is, it might result in trouble for Ushijima and a blessing to Tendou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I still don't know how to do TW buuuuut just in case(might as well put it in the tags): 
> 
> TW: Underage drinking
> 
> So hey this is actually like my favorite part of the movie because when I was watching it with my mom she had like the Pikachu meme face and I kinda didn't expect it either but yeah, hope you enjoy!

_ The school had a winning strike, even someone like I knew that they were totally crushing their competitions, you heard it on the school, from defeated rivals and even on local newspapers, everyone was talking of miracle boy, Ushijima Wakatoshi. I wasn’t doubting my friend’s capabilities. I was almost certain that it was thanks to him that the team went from sad and broken to powerful opponents. Still, all of Shiratorizawa wanted to praise the wrong person, and that was coach Washijo. _

His regimen with his athletes was spartan to say at least, he was stubborn and the only things that mattered to him was how powerful your passes were or how much you could hit, that’s one of the reasons all his team was made up of tall and strong guys. 

“What part do you still not understand?” the man asked to particularly no one.”Group up”

The rest of them reunited on a circle around them, Atsumu helped Goshiki stand up after the coach had instructed him to tackle the young one into the floor to prove that he wasn’t doing enough. 

“We’ll be playing quarter-finals tomorrow, you can’t be doing things half-assed, I need all your focus here” he grunted. “Your classes? Forget them. Did you get an assignment to do? Forget it. Your boyfriend broke up with you because you’re a little sissy who isn’t playing with all his might? You deserve it!” they visibly flinch, if it was for the taunt or the volume of his voice they preferred not to acknowledge it. 

“Ushiwaka” he stood up next to him, feeling the weight of his hand resting on his shoulder. "This is the one you have to let play tomorrow, every one of you play for him, understood?" 

"Yes, coach" 

Ushijima kept the urge to sigh, he loved playing and this was probably the best team he ever had but something about the coaching doesn't feel right, something about the way he's having all the pressure of the spotlight _isn't_ right. 

* * *

When he returns to the bedroom Tendou isn't there which is weird, since they started talking Tendou has stopped avoiding him, which makes him glad not only because now he gets to talk to him but because he also felt guilty for being the reason Tendou decided to roam around just to avoid being in a room with him. 

So he goes to the old theater club room in hopes to find him, but it's also empty. He sighs, it's difficult, nearly impossible to know where Tendou disappears to in times like this so he grabs one of the guitars and sits on one of the sofas, and starts playing some random tunes until the thought of rugby escapes his mind, only concentrating in their near stage at the talent show. They now got the guitar part, he and Tendou have been practicing for a long time now but they keep avoiding the singing part, too embarrassed to let the other hear him and excusing themselves to not to. 

Tendou isn't expecting to find Ushijima at the theater club room, but as he approaches he hears the strum of his guitar, and once he goes in there doing the bare minimum of noise he stares at the boy in front of him with a smile. That's when he gets the idea. He scoots closer to Ushijima who is still unsuspiciously playing. 

"Guess who~" he hears a strangled noise from him before Ushima turns around to stare at him, a little frown showing between his eyebrows. 

"You startled me" 

"I noticed" he goes for his puff and launches into it, letting out a relieved sigh once he's settled. "What are you doing here? It's so late" 

"I could ask you the same." Ushijima retorts. "Where do you wander all alone, Tendou?" 

"Mmm...that's a secret" he admits. "Still I don't have a game tomorrow, you should be resting, Wakatoshi-kun" 

"I know" and he senses the way this feels odd so he softens his expression and tries to look at the other's eyes. 

"What's wrong?" there's a glint of preoccupation on his voice, he has seen him before games, Ushijima is always deep in thought but never so...discouraged. 

"Nothing" 

"You can fool yourself but not me, okay? Just talk to me" and he means it, he knows Ushijima is not a man of words but if their past months of friendship had taught him something is that he just needs time, not to judge him by the way it's hard for him to open and just be a good listener when the time comes. So he does, arms folded behind his head as he stares at the stickers on the ceiling. 

"I'm nervous" 

"For the game?" 

"Yes" he doesn't want to be rude but that makes him chuckle. 

"Wakatoshi-kun, I know nothing about rugby but you'll win" 

"You can't know that" 

"Well, I heard you've been doing great, so that counts" he rolls on his side to stare at him, palm supporting his face as he tries to decipher what could probably make Ushijima nervous since he's basically a prodigy on rugby. "You'll do great" sincerely, he means it, he feels deep in his heart that it's true. 

"Will you come to see us?" Tendou grunts which probably wasn't the reaction he was expecting. 

"It's not my type of...event" he tries to explain but he knows Ushijima enough now and those eyes aren't unemotional at all, they're expectant of something. "Listen, first and last time I went to one of those I ended being the frustration sack for some of the ones in your team so—" 

"Who?" 

"Wakatoshi-kun you're not planning on beating up your own teammates!" he also knows that his friend is brutally blunt and direct so the silences he gets in response makes him laugh. "You're planning on doing it!" 

"I don't like rude people" 

"You're all a gentleman, you know that?" he teases but he can see the way Ushijima avoid his eyes and he can feel a slight blush on his cheeks, so he clears up his throat and continues. "The ones that beat me already graduated, some of them were just watchers...so don't beat them up" 

"They're the reason why you won't attend the match" 

  
  


"It'll be better that way, trust me" Ushijima's eyes are still in him so he huffs. "You know I'll be rooting for you, even if I'm not there" but his friend's gaze is relentless and he knows what he's trying to do so he should have to be able to resist but those kinda look like puppy eyes and it's not like 6'2.6'' Ushijima Wakatoshi can be cute but he manages to look _a little_ cute. He groans "I'll think about it" 

"You will really go?" 

"Hey, hey, I said I'll _think about it_ , now just" he stands up and takes the guitar out of his hands, confusion and something like hope dances in his eyes. "Let's get you to sleep, okay?" Once Ushijima finally stands up he pushes him out of the room and they walk in silence to their bedroom. 

Of course, he isn't able to sleep once they go back there, because now he feels like he _has to_ go to Ushijima's match but it's still doesn't feel like something he would do and the next day as he's lining up to get on the school buses — a different one from Ushijima since apparently the team has an exclusive bus for them— it doesn't feel good, everyone's clothes on purple and white are giving him a headache and all the eyes on him for not being the only one euphoric for this event are overwhelming. 

So he flees. 

Once they get to the field he runs from there, not that anyone notices, they're too occupied with chanting and screaming for a game that has not even started. And that's okay, it's cool, with all that noise and excitement Ushijima would probably never notice that he isn't there, right? _Right?_

So why is he feeling so wrong sitting there in a nearly abandoned cinema while he watches the most boring French movie they had? He can blame his headache on the crappy subtitles he can barely read and the slight nausea he feels from the stale popcorn, but he can only blame the pang of guilt on his heart to the fact that he's not seeing Ushijima win the match even after he silently plead him to go yesterday… 

* * *

He saw him sneak away as soon as they got there. It’s okay, Ushijima knows he asked for a lot considering the kind of previous experiences Tendou had with attending matches, still it would have been nice to see him there and look for someone he recognizes cheering for him in the stands as they celebrate their victory, except...there _is_ someone he recognizes in the stands. He hopes the man can just go away and let him have this at peace, he hopes nobody can recognize him.

He makes his way to the changing rooms, his team cheering around is enough to make him forget his little issue, that’s until Atsumu, who stayed on the field flirting with a random girl of the audience, sticks his head into the room and announces to him with a smile. 

“Ushiwaka-kun! Yer father said he would treat us something for winning, isn’t he great?”

Ushijima knows it’s everything far from great and the team would have to know that as they end up in a bar, but as teens who don't have an abhorrence towards alcohol —due to your father spending all his days drinking—, the team is delighted that they are being treated like adults. They only so ever glance at coach Washijo sitting away from them with the other professors and once they know they’re being ignored they are very eager to have something to drink. So when his father shows up at his table with a tray filled with beer mugs he just grasps his water glass tighter and closer to him while the others snatch their mugs, eyes nearly shining with the temptation of doing something prohibited. 

“C’mon everyone, we need to toast to this victory. Son, you too, don’t be shy to share a beer with your father” he takes a slight step back, thinking how many options he has to escape this place but Semi gives him a slight smile before grabbing a beer of his own. 

“I’m good with water, thank you” 

“No, no, no” his father mutters and crosses the table to take the glass out of his hands and replace it with a mug, he knows he could have resisted a little more but he also doesn't want to make a scene out of this. 

“That’s it. This is to you, young athletes, you gave your all at the game now it’s time you have some fun! For your victory!”

“For our victory!” the team cheers, mugs clacking against each other before they take a swig of their beers. 

_ Wakatoshi told me that he probably would have ended up that night differently if he didn’t have that drink.  _

But he did. 

All the team did, even Goshiki who is the first one leaning on anyone’s shoulders looking for balance, or Atsumu who was bragging how good he could handle alcohol but now they haven’t even see him since his bathroom trip 30 minutes ago, or Semi and Shirabu who are laughing at every single sentence the other incoherently babbles. 

Ushijima tells himself he’s not acting differently, he just feels hot and dizzy, he has to stay seated or else he feels he’ll be doing the same as Goshiki, he also feels extremely tired, and something tells him is not only because of the game he played, the thought of a nap on one of those big puffs from the theatre club room and soft music in the background is enough to make him stand up, only Taichi is on the table with him and he’s probably asleep if the way he's leaning on the table tells him something so he just slips out of the place, he put on his shoes, his jacket and he steps into the freezing cold, there has to be some way to get back to school, he wonders if Tendou is already there. 

“Wakatoshi!” he turns around, his father is running to him and maybe he doesn’t have the soberness to act properly because he grunts loudly at his sight. “Where are you going?”

“Bed” to which his father laughs. 

“The buses left hours ago”

“I’ll take the train then” he resumes back to walking but his father keeps up with him and starts talking. 

“I can take you” he definitely can not, Ushijima knows he drank too much for driving. “Maybe we can talk then” he walks faster, there is absolutely nothing he wants to talk with him. “You know” he keeps trying, now jogging next to him. “Today showed me how great of a son you are, I loved you again” he stops and stares at him, did he hear well? 

“Great, thanks I was dying” the man smiles at him but he can only stare in confusion. “It’s great to see that all the bullshit from your last school was...well, bullshit.” he palms his shoulder. “This is the son I want, no, this is truly my son”

“Don’t” he says, pushing him away. There's confusion in his father's eyes but he's drunk and he's not that nice to try to sort this out, not now, the only thing he wants is a nap, maybe some food and hang out with Tendou until he's on the right state of mind again. “I am going. Please go back to the bar and don’t drive, you’re too drunk for that. Good night” 

Ushijima doesn't give him another glance and he starts jogging to get away from him, a million thoughts fill his brain as he aimlessly walks. There is so much he would have liked to say but he also recognizes that they are too drunk to expose their deep thought on the other, those require a lot of consciousness to say out loud because they’re dangerous words, sharp and meant to hurt, he sighs, at least one of both knows to measure his words while drunk. 

* * *

It’s awfully late when he gets thrown out from the cinema. He watched all of the first movie, then he hid and entered another room to watch a much more interesting superhero one, then he moves to a kids one and fells asleep, that’s when the staff found him and chase him away from the place, he cackles at it, poor little underpaid staff has to deal with so much bullshit on a daily basis that he hopes at least he gave them a good anecdote for some time. 

He’s paying for a quick snack at a store when he sees him, miracle boy wandering alone in shady streets, he expects a crowd roaring behind him or at least the team but he is as alone as he is and maybe they can do something fun out of this weird scenario so he rushes to pay everything and runs out to try to keep track of him and even if Ushijima is just walking he’s fast and he sprints to not lose him when he makes a turn on the next street. 

“Wakatoshi—”

There's only one dim pink neon sign that indicates him that the place is a bar, not like the guard on the door doesn't tell something but he has to take a second guess as Ushijima enters said place. He is fast to approach and walks as casually as he can to make his way in, he is stopped by a pair of hands pushing him back. 

"Hey, i just wan—" 

"Don't even think about it" 

"But that's my friend you let in" he protests, the guard arches a thick eyebrow. 

"He's clearly older than you" 

Oh. Well it's a plausible lie, Ushijima is taller and broader than him, he really looks a couple years ahead and he has several ways to contradict him and show that Ushijima is his age but that'll put his friend in trouble, right? 

"Well...i'm gonna wait for him" he says, expecting to touch a part of his heart with that. "Here. In the cold" there's no sign of compassion on him so he pouts, he really will have to wait for Ushijima, here, in the cold. 

"What kind of bar is this anyway?" He asks, curiosity creeping his way out of him, what's so incredible for Ushijima to break the rules? Wait, that's kinda illegal, to pretend to be an adult, right? What's so important for him to do this? 

"An adults bar" 

"I'm not that young" he snaps, quick to cover it with a falsely polite smile when he sees the warning in his eyes. "What _kind_ of adults bar?" The guard rolls his eyes and fake-whispers at him. 

"A gay adult's bar" 

_ Oh.  _

"Well, surely I knew that. Just wanted to make sure" he spurts, hiding the fact that this is making him very flustered right now. 

_ I knew loneliness like the back of my hand but as I was standing outside that bar, I didn't feel lonely, I felt...like i have finally found someone like me, and to that be Ushijima of all people. _

"Maybe I'll go" he said to the guard, it was this or he was going to freeze to death, now he needed to get back to his dorm and think about how to convince himself that he didn't have a hallucination with Ushijima and what's more important how he'll ever bring this up to his roommate.

* * *

Akaashi doesn't consider himself a big fan of rugby, he enjoys it but maybe it's more for the fact that he recognizes some of his students giving his all in other than his signature. So when the teachers invite him to grab a drink with them he politely declines, he already has someone waiting for him to grab a drink with. 

Fortunately for him, Koutarou had the delicacy of searching for places for them that were near his location, he's pleasantly received into the bar with a big grin, a warm hug, and a tender kiss before he's shoving alcohol down his throat like some kind of teenager. He guesses as every other teacher is busy celebrating their school's victory there's no harm in coming back late or even crash into Koutarou's apartment if he's lucky. 

What he isn't expecting at all after hours of dancing while he's talking and leaning into Bokuto's hand cupping his face is making accidental eye contact with someone and that someone being one of his students. 

His eyes grow big and he pushes Koutarou as if his touch burns, Ushijima stares for a few seconds more before turning around and disappearing from his view. 

"Akaashi" he pouts. "What's wrong?" 

"I—" he takes his hand again between his, his heart is about to burst from his chest and he needs something to grasp into, Bokuto squeezes, firm and grounding. "I think I saw one of my students" 

"Aren't they minors?" Bokuto gasps. "We need to talk to security or to them, Akaashi what if they drank?" 

"Bokuto-san, that's _not_ the problem." 

"What you mean it's not a problem? They're minor" Akaashi sighs, yes, that's also a problem but not the one he was referring to. He gestures around, maybe he can get it from the club, the multiple queer posters they have, the rainbow flags, or the men kissing. 

"I'm a teacher in an all-boys school, a _gay teacher._ " 

"But your student was here" Bokuto tries to reason and that's logical, but he'll think about it later. 

"I need to talk to Ushijima." he says. "I'm sorry, Bokuto-san I need to go" he sighs, Akaashi is completely panicking right now so he squishes his hand once again and Akaashi's eyes look at him, preoccupied and distressed, he hates that look on his eyes. 

"I'll take you to the train station, it'll be faster, maybe you can catch him there" some relief washes over him but Bokuto is still worried as they get into his car and he's driving as fast as the limit allows him just so they can get there. He can see Akaashi fidgeting with his hands so at the next red light he put his hand over his and turns slighly just to smile at him reassuringly. 

"I'll call you later, sorry this night ended like this" Akaashi says as he parks over near the station. 

"Just let me know when you get there" he leans in to peck his lips, enjoying the little blush on his cheeks even as the preoccupied look is still sitting on his face. "And don't stress to much, just talk to the kid, it'll be alright, you both have a secret on each other" 

"And we are both fucked" he sighs, getting out of the car. "Thanks, Bokuto-san" 

He can hear a muttered 'I love you' as he closes the car's door and starts running. 

His feet almost gets squished by automatic doors when the train leaves the station, he tries to calm himself before starting to walk down the wagon, searching for his student, there's not much people and Ushijima is everything but little so it shouldn't be so difficult to find him, and there he is. Bokuto's words echo in his head as he tries not to stress and crashes in the next row of seats next to Ushijima. 

"Ushijima-san, hey" that feels so unnatural of him that even the teen looks at him worriedly. "I almost didn't catch the train it's...so late, yeah, it's weird ain't it?" 

"Indeed, it's late" 

Awkward, it's so awkward but he has to say something, a confidence pact or something, he readjusts his glasses and shifts on his seat, _something_. 

"You...mmm...played really well today" 

"Oh, thanks sir" he nods. 

"Quarter now, uh?" 

"It's semifinal actually" Ushijima corrects and Akaashi wants to punch himself, he's too drunk and too stressed to do this small talk. 

"Right, that's cool...big game coming up" his student only nods probably as awkward as him and he knows this isn't going to get better so maybe it'll be for the best to just attack directly. Akaashi looks around, they're the only ones left in this wagon so he won't be bothering anyone, he clasps his fingers together and looks at particularly no one when he speaks again. 

"Look, what you saw…"

"Oh, I didn't see anything—, that's how I ended up there I didn't see where I was" as if he didn't spend at least half an hour dancing before feeling heartbroken enough to peek at the bar. 

"Bokuto-san is just really friendly, you know?" they're both taking over each other but maybe it's better to let this flow before the other can actually understand what the other is saying.

"Besides it's just a bar" 

"Yeah just a bar!" which you didn't have to attend to in the first place, Akaashi thinks but he can reprehend him like an actual good teacher later. "And he just likes to hug and touch and ki— it's crazy, yeah, he's cool" 

"Understood" the way they mess up with their words so much makes Ushijima question if this is even his literature teacher and Akaashi asks himself if he really graduated from a career that requires that he uses his words. 

"Ushijima-san I would really appreciate it if this stayed—" 

"I won't say a word" he intervenes. 

"Great! Great, cool" he relaxes into his seat, relief washing over him, he's so glad Ushijima is not like the other boys that would totally blackmail him the whole year and get him fired. He probably has to talk in deep about what was Ushijima even doing there but not tonight, not in this state of drunkenness, he still can care for him and buy his silence even more. 

"You ate after your game, right?" 

Ushijima finds himself later in his room with his head less dizzy and an onigiri sponsored by professor Akaashi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to go so much deeper in this but I'll distribute angst evenly to not saturate just a chapter with it uwu 
> 
> I had to gave bokuaka a moment lol Akaashi was just severely panicking but Ushijima was just surprised not actually judging him for anything but yeah, also Tendou would have probably made a bigger scandal if he saw Akaashi good thing for him that he didn't 
> 
> The part where they were drunk I was kinda laughing like teen boys + beer it's not a good combo and I know Japan probably have ultra strict regulations on it but let's just imagine it's possible for them to 
> 
> Also I had to read how to actually do this lol but you can find me in [tw](https://twitter.com/imjustreallysa2)
> 
> I rt a lot of hq and maybe some (a lot sry)nsfw so you can say hi to me lol 
> 
> As always I love all your kudos and comments, so feel free to do so! <3
> 
> Take care, use your masks when out and drink water, see you next one <3


	4. The chains that pull you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tendou doesn’t know how to bring it up, it feels so wrong to out Ushijima like that, he understands how this could upset him in many forms and the least he wants to is to break them apart, he feels that if their friendship is good enough he should confide this to him, right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there i'm gonna go through the tags again since I think I'm missing some things but omg it's hard to figure out how to tag when I'm mid writing and I said welp- this wasn't planned but I think here it goes more angst haha 
> 
> Anyways I'm gonna say it: 
> 
> TW: Internalized homophobia

“We are running out of time, Tendou. Let’s just...do it”

“Okay, but” he stares into Ushijima’s eyes, he had become able to tell the different emotions running through them in the past months but now he can see nothing and he doesn't know why. He’s been buzzing with the info he accidentally learned from the bar that night, he’s burning with the need to bring it out, he always has wanted to talk to someone who understands the struggle of growing up so repressed so hated by everyone else, and if that’s Ushijima it’ll be extraordinary, but at the same time he doesn’t know how to bring it up, it feels so wrong to out Ushijima like that, he understands how this could upset him in many forms and the least he wants to is to break them apart, he feels that if their friendship is good enough he should confide this to him, right? 

“But?” Ushijima inquires as he takes too long to continue. 

“Right, just…” on the other hand, Wakatoshi was quite direct when he asked him if he was gay, remembering, he avoided answering directly so there might be a kind of confusion between them, but he should know right? At least Atsumu made it very clear during his first encounter. _What if Wakatoshi thinks it was only taunting?_ But he's not going to blurt the 'I'm gay' out of the blue because that's also upsetting but there's literally no way to bring it up in a friendly way to let Ushijima know that it's okay that they can talk and understand each other.

“Nothing” he responds finally. 

“Are you okay?” Tendou looks away then, he notices the preoccupation in his eyes, and right now it’s not something he can handle, not when he knows such a big secret of his and he isn’t aware, not when he—accidentally, but he still feels guilty— invaded his privacy. 

“Yeah, it’s cool, just play” he plays a little with the strings until they are settled and he hears Wakatoshi doing the same, he steals a glance now that he is busy with the strings. He just asked if he was okay but he wonders if his friend is okay, he’s been more silent, and more is  _ a lot _ considering Wakatoshi. He almost misses the countdown as Ushijima starts to play their song. His fingers dance by themselves on the string while he stares at him.

_“Hey there Delilah what’s it like in New York City?”_ his voice is a nice low rumble that makes him freeze in place, too enchanted by the music coming out of him. Fuck, he could kill this alone. 

“You let me sing alone” he jumps as Wakatoshi stares back at him, a slight frown on his eyebrows. 

“Sorry, sorry”

“You don’t know your part?”

“No! I mean—I do! Sorry, let’s do it again” Wakatoshi hums and starts the countdown again. Tendou plays along with him, he has to remind himself to sing but he’s just overwhelmed with the desire to listen to him once more, so when Wakatoshi sings his voice comes out off-pitch, too low for it to sound good and both of them stop playing. 

“Tendou” his voice is harsher now and he can feel himself blushing. “What was it this time?”

“I—I just” he grunts, it’s lame but he can’t come up with a lie on the spot as Ushijima stares at him. “I got distracted by your voice, it sounds amazing, Wakatoshi-kun” 

“Well don’t” he cuts him off. “We are together for this aren’t we?”

“Yeah” he wills himself to look away from him, just stare at his guitar as he breathes in and out to recompose himself. “One more time, please”

This time they both start playing in sync, Tendou is trying very hard to concentrate, to block the presence of the other in his mind and focus on spilling the lyrics out of him. 

_“Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City?”_ he grins, it doesn’t sound so lame after all if he gets the right tune. 

_“I’m a thousand miles away, but girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do”_ he lets himself look, Wakatoshi is smiling, the tiniest bit of his lips stretched out as he plays, his fingers almost step up on the wrong tune and he has to use all his might to not get distracted, because if it was in his power, he would never stop listening to Wakatoshi's voice, Wakatoshi singing, _Wakatoshi_.

He looks away just in time to end the part they practiced. 

“Well, that sounds good” Wakatoshi admits, Tendo lifts his gaze only to find the other’s eyes away. 

“I guess it does” he smiles. 

It's kind of funny how they keep missing each other's eyes. 

* * *

Washijo Tanji saw something in Ushijima that he valued a lot in a player: strength. It was like Ushijima was given a gift out of his body, all his muscles were made for sport, and that the sport he chooses to dedicate to was rugby of all was a blessing for his team, and maybe they could finally win the tournament after a decade of not even making it to the quarter-finals. That's why Ushijima was having individual practice sessions. 

Which are not very successful right now. By the time Ushijima fails his fourth shot in a row he thinks is enough. 

"Ushiwaka" 

"I know" the boy grunts, it isn't pleasing for him either to fail something that he previously had excelled at. 

"Rugby is a sport where you need all your concentration," he starts talking, taking him by surprise since he only expected a reprimand. "Note that I said 'concentration' and not ' _ brain' _ because you don't need your brain" Wakatoshi is not a very expressive person but right now he is trying very hard to not frown at his coach. "So free whatever is inside of your head, c'mon" 

Ushijima stares far away into the goal mark, trying to clear his thoughts to speak them out, talking is hard, it requires a lot of processing and most of the time his words don't seem to reach the one he talks to, he expects his coach can comprehend some of the thoughts tormenting him. 

"Sometimes I feel like a machine, coach." He says, not looking at the man staring at him intently. "Sometimes I don't feel a point on playing, I like it, I know I'm good at it, but for what?" 

Coach Washijo's eyes were empty, dark as they were and he was not the best at reading anyone else's emotions but he hopes to look for something in them, he finds nothing more than an analytical glaze, he kinda feels like an experiment and it does not help at all to clear his thoughts and feelings toward his lack of motivation and now deficient development on rugby. 

"You are the team's machine, Ushiwaka, every one of you is a part of how we all work as a team" the man explains, arms crossed behind his back and now looking at the field in front of him. "You are the core we needed to stand up as a stronger team and that's why, because you're important here." 

Reassurance is not a specialty from the coach as he can see, it's not like he was expecting something to really lift him up, right? It's not like he already knows that he feels like rugby is pointless because his father has said clearly that this was the only reason he was loved as if he was nothing more than that: Ushiwaka, the rugby prodigy. Like he doesn't have more value as the person he is, as if having that discovery journey on who he truly is outside one aspect of his life is wrong. 

He just nods to the coach politely and starts his way to retrieve the lost rugby balls. 

"And if I may add" the coach's voice stops him, he turns around to see him, a warningly intense gaze on him. "This kind of thought might have started since you had new companionship, Ushiwaka-san. Letting an idea grow in your brain it's not healthy, you have to rip off the weed before it starts infesting your garden, right? And you know who those weeds are, don't you?" 

Ushijima's first clench, he doesn't want to get in trouble with the coach, not any more than he already has in failing so many kicks last match and failing every single one at practice, but he should not be referring to them, to him, not as if Tendou is infecting him with something malicious when the only thing the boy has given him is a safe space and freedom of the pressure of pretending to be another jock perfect athlete. He nods again, more forcefully, and turns to jog away from him with the excuse of getting the balls. 

He does not want to think of Tendou like this, so why are the coach's words echoing on his mind? 

* * *

Tendou knows that his teacher usually has strange ideas— such as playing poker mid-lecture, that weird kinda hang-man that they all played where instead of random phrases they had to guess famous quotes that they should have studied or even having them recreate their own versions of that sappy final scene of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ with an old prop skeleton he found on the old theatre club room as their Juliet—, but as he stares at Akaashi who is in top of the roof of the classroom and stares down at them in the middle of what used to be a squash kinda court, with all four walls surrounding them, creating an echo that apparently will help them in their show presentation, Tendou thinks it’s the weirdest thing he’s seen Akaashi do. 

“If I can’t hear you from here, nobody will hear you, so—”

“That’s the point, sensei” Tendou jokes, elbowing Ushijima who only looks back at him with a small smile, however, the sound  _ does _ echo.

“No, it’s not, Tendou-san” Akaashi replies, a sheepish smile on his face as he caught Tendou off guard. “Let yourselves truly sing!” he exclaims, voice being amplified by the echo, it sounds ominous, almost threatening. “I dare you to be brave enough to let me hear you”

“You like to challenge your students to do embarrassing things, don’t you, Akaashi-san?” Tendou retorts, he kinda enjoys that he can banter with his teacher so easily, and he’s never disappointed in how the raven-haired man has an amazing comeback for his comments.

“Only when it’s necessary, Tendou-san” he smiles and claps, snapping their attention back to him. “Serenade me, then”

The redhead turns to his friend, smiling in a ‘can you believe this shit, Wakatoshi-kun?’ way but Wakatoshi just shrugs and positions his fingers to play so he sighs and follows him. Yeah, the place gives a perfect acoustic and he hears their music flow around them, when they start singing he wants to curl a little in himself, voice barely audible since it sounds too loud, definitely so much different from being in an underground tiny club room. 

“I can’t hear you!” Akaashi exclaims and he kinda laughs mid-singing, looking at Ushijima who is also singing as softly as he can, they barely raise their volume with that. “That can’t be all you can do” they lock eyes and grin at each other, the volume of their voices mixing in the air, just a little louder, Tendou can hear the deep voice of Ushijima heavily resonating on the walls, his just mix perfectly, following his lead as if they’re chasing one another. “Better. But come on!” Tendou’s eyes widen when he hears himself, voice nice and clear not as if he’s shying away, but a firm sound nicely joining the music. “That’s it” Akaashi determines and Tendou gives a glance at the teacher looking at them with a wide smile and his arms crossed. 

“You better keep that volume when I get down there” he says and scrambles out of his view, probably finding a way down as strange as to how he found a way up in the first place. 

_ “Oh, it’s what you do to me” _

There’s a kinda challenge when Wakatoshi raises his voice and then he is drowning Tendou’s, he raises an eyebrow at him and starts to sing louder, full volume as he sways and sings, now walking around in circles around Ushijima who only spins around himself to keep track of him until they both forget about the lyrics and giggle together. If there’s something Tendou likes more than his low singing voice is the deep rumble of Ushijima’s laugh, and it’s ever so rare to hear it, but he feels proud every time he gets to bring it out. He smiles proudly, looking at his shoulders quiver with a giggle. 

“We probably should continue before Akaashi-sensei returns” he teases, Ushijima only nods, his chuckle dying as he gives him a soft look, Tendou looks away when crimson red met olive-green eyes, clearing his throat before taking place beside him again and start playing. 

* * *

“Look at ‘em” Atsumu smiles, getting behind to where he was walking beside the coach to look where the music was coming from. Turns out it’s only Ushijima and Tendou, so he stares a little, hearing them sing, it’s nice to hear and he’s kinda impressed, also he kinda squeals when the coach's hand slaps his shoulder. 

“Ah, so there’s your teammate”

“Yeah, sound cool, right? Ushiwaka-kun really does great in everything” Atsumu beams, totally ignorant of his coach’s glare.

“Atsumu”

“Yeah, coach?” he looks away when they both start goofing around, the intense look he receives throws him off a little, he shivers, now nervous as if he was caught doing something he shouldn’t, his smile vanishes completely. “You have a brother at Ushiwaka’s old school, right?”

“Oh, yeah! My twin, actually,” confused smile now on his face. “Inarizaki was supposed to be our school but I had this nasty fight with ‘Samu cuz he wanted to stopped playing and—”

“Ask him why Ushiwaka left”

“What?” he doesn’t even have the time to get pissed that he was cut off, his coach's idea too weird to ignore. 

“You know that Ushiwaka had problems in his old school, right? With his old team. I’m just looking out to prevent that from happening before we win the tournament” coach Washijo starts to walk back down their original path but as he gets away Atsumu stares at the other two teens staring at each other and he doesn’t miss the glint on Ushijima’s eyes, is almost as delighted as the expression he makes when he kicks to a goal, eyes lingering for a second longer than necessary on Tendou's figure, he seems even happier than when he is playing,  _ oh _ . 

Seems like it’s time to text ‘Samu.

* * *

He usually finds himself being the last one in the showers, not that he minds it but he likes to stay once practice over, maybe run a few more laps to clear his head or practice his kicks which have been failing _a lot_ , and if he believes in something it’s that repetition becomes perfection, or as Akaashi has introduced him to Aristotle’s quote: _“Excellence is not an act but a habit”._

So he’s startled when Atsumu chirps in, loud as usual, already dressed up but poking his head into the showers. 

“Ushiwaka-kun! Mind to have a word?” past from their initial meeting, he thinks Atsumu is a pretty nice guy, he apparently learned his lesson through a bloody nose but at least he doesn’t pick on Tendou anymore and his annoying comments lessen, some are even funny and he knows he is just as dedicated to playing as he is, maybe just a little more passionate than he, due to his current love-hate situation with rugby. So he just nods at him and Atsumu grins. 

“Y’know I have a twin at Inarizaki, right?” he freezes at the mention of his old school but doesn’t show any emotion as Atsumu continues talking. “He’s not on the team anymore, you two would have been great, kinda like you and me but much more less impressive, ‘Samu is not as good as me, anyways—” he interrupts himself when he catches he is getting off the subject. “I bet Osamu that I would win here, so...”

“What are you trying to say?” he chirms in, getting a bad feeling in this conversation, but Atsumu’s tone is so friendly that it doesn’t match the sickening feeling inside him that tells him to fight back before he says something wrong. 

“Nothin', Ushiwaka-kun, I was just thinking of how you fought a lot on yer last school, yer good at it, totally broke my nose that one time, but I always wondered _why_ you fought so much, yer a pretty chill dude it seems unreal” Atsumu’s eyes darken, the water finishes pouring over him and he feels exposed in more ways than he is, the blonde’s grin no longer seem friendly even if his voice hasn’t changed. “So I asked ‘Samu, and he told me some nasty ass rumors that were running around there—”

“You’re trying to blackmail me, Miya?” he asks, voice dangerously sharps but Atsumu doesn’t relent, he's eyes glint with a knowing look, shit, maybe he got too defensive, like always, silently confirming said rumors. 

“I’m not trying anything, Ushiwaka-kun” he smiles. “Just sayin’, y’know, as a friend, that we are so close to winning this year but you seem distracted with Tendou and the thing Akaashi-sensei have you do.” Ushijima looks away, clenching his fist and trying to calm down, he does not have to do the same, not now, he’s right, they’re too close to winning and a fight would just break off the team and if he pisses Atsumu off he could go back to pestering Tendou. 

“What do you want?” he tries to negotiate then, clicking his tongue when Atsumu replies with a quiet chuckle. 

“Again, nothin’, Ushiwaka-kun, just advising you to cut off those unnecessary connections, am I right?” Ushijima doesn’t miss the tone he’s using, not completely authoritarian but there’s a threat present that he does not like at all. “Then all the rumors can keep rumors, I’m not that good of a gossiper, y’know?”

Ushijima breathes heavily, for a second, Atsumu imagines himself on the wet floor and being beaten up easily by Ushijima and he shivers, but the guy just gives him a tense nod and he’s smiling again. 

“Good talk, Ushiwaka-kun! Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow” he flees just as suddenly as he gets there. Wakatoshi’s mind finally catches up to him and he punches the water button again, feeling now cold water over his body, shivering from pure anger, frustration tears running along water washing over him. 

He was supposed to leave everything behind, this shouldn’t be happening again, but there he is, fighting and it seems like no amount of running away can free him from the torture he has to endure. It feels as if as soon as he gets comfortable in one place, as soon as everything seems right it always crumbles down. First, it has been getting too close to Oikawa, so he had to run away from acknowledging those feelings, once he had comprehended them and had snuck out of Inarizaki to talk to said boy—and being gently rejected, but still rejected— the rumors on there started to run and no matter how hard Kita tried to keep them from gossiping in practice or how hard he had punched everyone he heard talking about it, it was never enough. 

He got through heartbreak alone, hating himself for feeling what he was feeling, punching anyone that dare to mention it, not only because it reminded him of bitter rejection but also because they were not laughing at his rejection, they were glad at it, because otherwise, it would have been disgusting, they said it was disgusting to even have those feelings but then they turned around and started talking about the same thing with their girl crushes. That was normal, that was expected so why only him had to be treated like shit? To be looked down and diminish and left out, to be stared at while walking and being excluded from places because _he doesn't fit,_ because it was for _their safety_. He didn't repent punching some assholes, common sense wasn't something he could punch into someone but he sure as hell tried to. 

And once he had finally decided to settle with how his life was going, questioning even if it was okay to live with it, Akaashi lived with it he could too, right? Apparently not, and he now has to think on how to push Tendou away so he doesn't get involved in the chaos that will probably end up happening, in the rumors, the taunts, the fights, and inevitably, the running away, _as always._

Ushijima is still standing under cold water when he wonders, _when would he ever stop running?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know what's funny? That i love Atsumu haha sry for making this to you babe, no but really, I feel like 'Tsumu underestimates how much this affects Ushi and also he _really wants _to win because he has to prove 'Samu that he didn't abandon him at Inarizaki by mere tantrum (he did)__
> 
> _  
> _Also I know it's a mess in the schools lol but for more clarification, Wakatoshi attended Seijoh where he ran away from his feelings for Oikawa, he escaped to Inarizaki where he was actually expelled for all the fights and here his trying to live his best life at Shiratorizawa, I hope he gets it tbh hehe_  
>  _
> 
> _  
> _Kudos and comments make my day so feel free to leave them <3 you can come say [hi on tw](https://twitter.com/imjustreallysa2)_  
>  _
> 
> _  
> _Take care, thanks for reading <3_  
>  _


	5. A cry for help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does it feel when there's no one around?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Short chapter this time since I like to cut it in very specific parts and this one just happens to be shorter haha 
> 
> Probably be posting the next one very soon since I look 2000 and I say mmm too little so yeah 
> 
> Smile and say with me, it's going **down**

_ I kept seeing Wakatoshi-kun less frequently, we usually only saw each other to sleep, that wasn’t weird, he was about to play semi-finals and we already did a lot of practice for the talent show, so I didn’t dwell too much on that, I have seen the pressure on Wakatoshi’s shoulders and I knew the near match would probably just increase that, I was willing to be there if he needed something but as he made no signals for it I gave him what he was looking for: space.  _

_ Problem was the day of the show.  _

_ I am not a morning person, and Wakatoshi had rugby practice so not seeing him was okay. Skipping all his classes, you see—coach Washijo was not even subtle on this one—, they had an important game, who cared about education? So not seeing him in all day was fine. Not meeting with Akaashi-sensei one hour before the show at the nearby theater was okay, because he probably had to rush from practice, shower, change his clothes and run to get there in time. Two acts before ours I started to worry. One act before I was panicking and begging Akaashi-sensei to let me go and die.  _

“Look, you just have to do it alone, it’ll be okay” the man said with a calm voice as if he wasn’t fidgeting with his fingers behind his back. 

“I can’t do it alone, sensei'' he pleaded. The kid on the stage was doing some kind of amazing breakdance that wasn’t at all helping him calm down, he expected lame students goofing on the stage trying to show off their inexistent talents, so far he had heard at least three awesome musicians, two breathtaking dance performances, one heart-breaking improve act and right now the kid on stage was killing it. “C’mon I cannot beat that”

“Well—it’s not about talent, it’s about  _ dedication _ which you put into your performance” ah, so now it was  _ his _ performance, not  _ theirs _ . “What makes it special is the way you decide to stand up on that stage and—” Akaashi trailed off, eyes glued on the expert moves of the kid, doing acrobatics on stage. “Fuck”

“Fuck indeed.” 

Tendou could feel his heart nearly popping out of his chest when a round of applause and clamors from the audience hit at the end of the song, the kid bowed and started to walk off stage while a lady came up to announce their act. 

“Singing next we have a duet from Shiratorizawa, please give them a welcome to the stage”

Akaashi patted his back and muttered good luck, which probably was the only thing that made him move because he couldn’t feel his legs at all, he took forceful steps until he was in front of the microphone standing alone in the center of the stage under the burning spotlight.

He cleared his throat, mouth absolutely dry as he stared at the crowded audience, Tendou had decided to not look while he was backstage, well, originally his plan was to look out and tease Ushjima out of nervousness about how this probably was by far from the number of people that watched him on games, but Ushijima never came so he never looked out, and he was like a deer in headlights at the number of people who were looking at him, no Ushijima to cover his presence, just him, a guitar and half a duet. 

“As you can see it’s not a duet but a solo-et” he cringed himself at that, that was lame he could admit, he gave Akaashi a glance and the man just lifted his thumbs up at him, was his eye twitching? “Song, yeah, the song”

Wakatoshi usually started playing or counting so they could start together so starting to strum by himself was strange, it felt off, as if the sound was so loud and his fingers were jamming against rock strings, he was glad he could keep his eyes focused on the guitar as he started. 

Singing felt off, Ushijima’s deep voice wasn't there to cover him up, the perfect harmony that they created wasn’t there. 

_ “I'm a thousand miles away, but, girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do”  _ he remembered all the glances he gave Wakatoshi at that line, and how many times the guy was already looking at him when they sang it, looking at his sides no one was there, and the stage was so big, he felt so small, literally on the spot. 

He couldn’t hear past his heartbeat ringing on his ears, was it good? Was it off-tune? Was he going too fast? Too slow? Were those girls in the front row giggling?

_ “Hey there, Delilah, don't you worry about the distance. I'm right there if you get lonely” _ but he wasn’t right here, did he just got late? Maybe he underestimated how much time it would take to get there, maybe Ushijima was running there and he didn’t actually abandon him, right? They were friends, he wouldn’t let him do this alone on purpose right? What if Wakatoshi ran through the doors as he was singing? Maybe he’ll apologize later, he was always the one dedicating more effort to this show, he wouldn’t just let it pass. 

_ “ _ _ Oh, it's what you do to me _ _ ” _ did his voice just  _ break? _

A glance up showed him more people giggling, staring at him, and whispering, he hated that, covering their mouths with their hands as if that hid any of the shameful words they spit, it never did, it only encouraged people around them to open their ears and try to hear some gossip, something they’ll get out of context, something that they'll later loudly laugh at, right at his face as if words don't hurt, he knew they sometimes hurt more than actions. Past the ringing of his ears he could hear the bare murmur of his voice, high pitched like it was supposed to, constricted with the lump on his throat, asphyxiated by the way his chest tightens, the strum of his guitars sounds like if it’s the first time he plays, well, at least the mess of him is being helped by the people drowning it with his laughs. 

He glances past them, to the doors of the theatre, there’s no Ushijima running to his rescue. He is just there, standing by his own on an alone stage, willingly taking the embarrassment and becoming the next joke of these people. 

_ ‘Ah, I felt like crying’ _

* * *

At least Akaashi understood that, he sees his attempt to pat his shoulder but his hand quickly retracts and grabs the other, fingers rubbing against his palm nervously. He takes the guitar off and throws it on an empty table, running away before Akaashi can catch up to him. His mind goes blank, trying to block the past minutes from engraving on his memories, he tries to take deep breaths as he struts through the streets, fat tears running down his face, he can feel them, but he doesn’t acknowledge them as if they’ll go away ignoring them. 

Next he knows he’s at some park or something, he’s lying on the grass, arms crossed behind his head as he stares at the sky, he can only see a few stars on them but they shine bright, alone in the sky, he allows himself to feel like one of them, less brilliant but still suspended on the immense universe. 

The tears had gone away too long ago but he still feels betrayed, heart-broken, he was used to loneliness so why is it hurting so much right now? When did he become so sensitive about being ridiculized and being left alone? It was an everyday occurrence in his life, so why did Ushijima have to change that and then just suddenly drop him off like that? He cards his fingers through his hair feeling helpless. 

That night he spends it at the old club room, curling around his beanbag, drifting in and away from sleep, each time he wakes up it’s at the creaking of something in the dark and he looks at the door every time, but there’s no one there apologizing for his absence. 

\----

He knew it wasn’t his place to speak, he was just a teacher but Ushijima was just his student who had missed the show and now multiple of his lectures so it was only what a good teacher would do, right? Trying to keep track of his student, showing a little worry for him, yeah, that’s what Akaashi tried to convince himself while he made his way onto the rugby field. 

He spotted Ushijima running laps around the field way ahead of the rest of his teammates, Ushijima’s eyes widen but he looks away just as fast and keeps running—well, that’s obviously an avoiding technique—, but that only make the worry on his stomach grow, stirring on a sickening way with the guilt he has for putting Tendou on that humiliating situation. So he turns to someone more approachable—or at least he thinks so. 

“Washijo-sensei” he greets as he gets closer to the man watching from afar at his players, he only gets acknowledged with a small nod, not even a quick glance.  _ Ah, so this isn’t going to be easy. _ He fiddles with his fingers behind his back, deciding to make this easier, sliding into a safe topic first. 

“They’ll look in great shape for quarters”  _ yeah, rugby is safe to talk with a rugby coach.  _

“Semifinals” Washijo corrects him— _ rugby isn’t safe to talk, got it _ —, sparing him an annoyed glance that has him screaming internally. 

“Yeah, yeah, that” he mutters, he breathes in, then out, looking at Ushijima almost complete another lap, still trying his best to avoid looking anywhere but ahead of him, he knows the dedication that Ushijima can put into things that matters to him but right now, running ahead of his teammates, alone, he seems so stiff, he seems almost  _ suffering.  _

“I suppose you weren’t aware but, Ushijima had a compromise that he unattended and— ” 

“He had kicking practice” the coach interrupts him again, words dying on the tip of his tongue because then this means—

“You were aware of the show” he says, dumbfounded, the coach looks again to the field, heavy-breathing players running past them, they seem all exhausted, Akashi wonders how many laps they have left. 

“Ushiwaka’s mind has been...off these days, and we really need him for the semi and finals so”

“So you encourage him to drop other aspects of his life?” his words sound a little sharp but he is minding less and less about how he sounds and is starting to worry more about Ushijima. 

“I put him back on the right path” he is probably a head taller than the coach but there’s something menacing in his eyes that makes him feel so little when he talks. 

“The right path?” Akaashi repeats, words sounding terribly familiar.

“Yeah, what did you intend? Ushiwaka being a singer?” he scoffed. 

“Not if he doesn’t want, he’s a teen, there’s so much of discovering he can do on himself at this age, I’m—I was just trying to show him that he has options”

“Discovering, ah?”  _ shit. _ “Like you?”

“Excuse me?” he replied, trying to swallow the lump forming on his throat, he recognized this situation and he didn’t like the insinuation on his tone. 

“No offense, Akaashi, just saying that you never come with all the other teachers for a drink but you also don’t have a wife waiting for you, one can’t help but wonder what you have going around”

“This—This conversation wasn’t about me” he tries to recover but the hesitation on his voice was evident and even with his height, he feels threatened by the coach who finally faced him, piercing glace staring directly at his eyes. 

“Ushiwaka has to focus on the semi-finals, stop trying to mislead him, professor” there was a lingering tone that almost led Akaashi to ask  _ ‘or what?’ _ but he is kinda afraid of the answer, he clenches his jaw, breath in, breath out, he hated the way that his only option left was to nod at him, but he hated more the lingering look of confusion on Ushijima’s eyes as he ran past them again and he hated each of the steps he took as he walked away from the field. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said this is the beginning of the end, I'm kinda hurrying up since I'm going to participate on sktsfluffweek and I have to edit all that stuff lol 
> 
> Since it's so short I don't know what to say haha besides that brace yourselves for the next one cause I wanted it _angsty_
> 
> Anyways, come to say [hi on tw](https://twitter.com/imjustreallysa2)
> 
> I love your kudos and comments so feel free to leave them if you like!
> 
> Take care everybody <3


	6. Betrayal is a double-edged sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Go away, Tendou” it sounds almost like a plea, it’s painful, even when his voice sounds so rough and almost violent, he knows how to read Wakatoshi’s eyes, more so at this short distance, he can almost smell the alcohol on his breath and his eyes...they seem terrified.
> 
> “Just tell them” he does plea.
> 
> Why was it so bad admitting we were friends? You see, it’s because Wakatoshi did not understand that I only wanted that, to shut his friends and showed them that we could hang out too—oh, no, he understood a lot more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I update soon so i do!
> 
> well, certainly, this is about to go down so please prepare yourself for angst, buckle up and enjoy

_ I know I said that I didn’t care about rugby, but let me get you this clear, Wakatoshi was a prodigy in rugby and what made him a star was his kicks, everyone said they were impeccable and that only that lead them to win a few matches, so when I heard from still high on emotion students coming back from the semi-finals match that Wakatoshi missed so many kicks I was kinda worried.  _

_ After some thought, I could forgive Wakatoshi for not showing up at the show, yeah, I didn’t want to do it either, he was just smarter than me and actually didn’t show up—asshole, we could have fled together— but good for him. What I could not condone was the fact that he started acting like we didn’t know each other at all, we were back to the first week of knowing us, and, excuse me, but I have done a good fucking job of forging a friendship here, didn’t he got the memo? We are friends, and I wasn't going to give up on that so easily—stupidly.  _

For the record: never trust Atsumu with rugby celebrations; also, don’t let the entirety of the rugby team get drunk on the bus back to the school, a combination of both ends up in a pagan style party with a bonfire that no one knows how it started, a bunch of boys in various state of nakedness while they swung and dance from here to there on their dizziness sponsored by cheap booze that someone’s brother gave them. 

Tendou could almost smell the trouble as he made his way there, a melancholic smile tug on his lips, the last time he had been in this place he was fooling around with Ushijima, mid-rehearsal, he can remember the great harmony their voices did when they sang together and he almost can hear Ushijima’s laugh resonating on the walls. Getting there and smelling something burning on the raging fire along with the booze makes him flinch, Atsumu’s grin as he approaches doesn’t help to calm his nerves at all. 

“Look at ya’” Atsumu sure has a special talent to sound so friendly even when his eyes are anything but menacing, a warning that he should have not ignored, but he did and grinned back. “The fuck yer doin’ here, Tendou?”

“Congrats on your winning, I guess” he chuckles, humorless. “I’m looking for Wakatoshi-kun, he must be here, right?”

“Oh! Lemme see” the blonde does an exaggerated gesture of looking around, wobbling a little, Tendou whistles, amused that he’s still on his feet. Atsumu's smile disappears when he looks again. “He’s not here, fuck off”

He pouts, looking as if he’s considering, then he just smiles at Atsumu. 

“I think I’ll take a look for myself, thank you”

Tendou blinks in surprise as to how fast his reflections are even when drunk because he tries to sneak in between him only to bump into Atsumu, which at the bere touch pushes him away. 

“What the fuck did I tell you? Fuck off” he knows this stance, when Atsumu is mere seconds away from starting a fight, well he doesn’t feel like just taking it anymore.

“And I made it clear that I am going to talk to Wakatoshi” he responds, trying to dodge him again but Atsumu keeps pushing back, something is ringing on his ears muting the words from Atsumu or even his own, his eyes can only stare past his shoulder trying to look for Wakatoshi on the group of confused dizzy rugby players starting to gather to look at the show, he can’t even hear himself nor feel his own body until his knuckles hit Atsumu’s cheek.

“Motherfucker” punching someone is actually a lot more painful than what he thought, apparently is an art you master, art in which Atsumu is fluent, the blonde returns the blow on him, full force, and in a moment of clarity, he hears his teammates trying to stop him from the second blow. 

“Calm down. Both of you” oh, he missed his voice. He looks up to Ushijima, ignoring the cut on his cheek and the way Goshiki and Semi are restraining Atsumu who still looks fiercely at him. 

“Great! Ushiwaka-kun, yer chick has come to get ya” Atsumu cackles, struggling to get his teammates' hands out of him. “He seems to miss you dearly, _aww_ ” he mocks, words making Tendou flinch, well he _did miss him_ but the way Atsumu is speaking implies a lot more of things. “I told him to fuck off since yer, not like _him_ , or am I wrong, Ushiwaka-kun? Does Tendou stand a chance?” 

Ushijima doesn’t even look at him, but he seems...off, he seems like he is a second away from falling asleep, staggering at his place, he must be very much drunk, and that only makes him worry a lot more. 

“Go to the dorm, Tendou” he barely hears him but it hits as if he had shouted it, Atsumu drunkenly laughs, now comfortably being supported by Semi and Goshiki. 

“Heard it, _monster_ , fuck off now”

“Tell them, Wakatoshi” he blatantly ignores the blonde, even if the nickname makes his chest tighten in pain, he sees his friend’s fist clench. “Tell them”

He doesn’t care about Atsumu’s mocking laugh, nor the questioning looks of the other, he cares about the panic on Ushijima’s eyes when he walks up to him, it’s unsettling and that itself breaks his heart more than the humiliating punch he just took. 

“Go away, Tendou” it sounds almost like a plea, it’s painful, even when his voice sounds so rough and almost violent, he knows how to read Wakatoshi’s eyes, more so at this short distance, he can almost smell the alcohol on his breath and his eyes...they seem terrified.

“Just tell them” he does plea.

_ Why was it so bad admitting we were friends? You see, it’s because Wakatoshi did not understand that I only wanted that, to shut his friends and showed them that we could hang out too—oh, no, he understood a lot more.  _

“Fuck off” he mutters, it’s such a novelty to hear him curse that he shivers, it’s almost like he doesn’t recognize him, but that look is the only thing keeping him from running away, he wants to understand, he wants to help. 

“Tell them” he insists, not having any better to say, nor another clue onto what’s going on. 

“Tendou—” 

“Wakatoshi-kun” there’s a glint in his eyes, a terribly familiar look before they cloud again with that fear, Ushijima grunts. “Tell them” 

He has been pushed a lot before, but Wakatoshi has a lot more strength than his usual bullies, so when his hands land on his chest and he pushes, it makes him lose his balance and he ends up on the floor, looking fearfully at Ushijima, he can’t see his eyes, there’s too much darkness around and there’s a lot more on his brain, a string of _just like them, he’s just like them._

“Go away, Tendou” 

And he does, he does not look back and he does not tear up, it feels as if last time he already cried enough and today was just something that he already knew was coming but refused to believe until now, he doesn’t feel like crying because he feels _dumb_. He was wary at first with Ushijima exactly for this, still, he had fallen onto their weirdly routine—wake up to him at practice, making silent remarks on class for only Wakatoshi to hear, hanging out on the old club room, waiting for him to come back from practice at their room and talk to him about this new manga, song, movie or about nothing, falling asleep watching Wakatoshi’s back turned to him but hearing the soft noises of his breathing—, he decided to let down his guard and gave him a chance even when all his being knew that he was probably gonna get hurt, and he should have it died after Wakatoshi abandoned him on that stage but he was too stubborn, too hopeful because they have already crossed the line and talked, they shared so much between themselves—hell he even have bought a little muffin for Wakatoshi’s birthday and stick a match on it to gift him—, and he wanted to believe that he finally had made a friend, that he found someone that _genuinely_ liked him.

Tendou walks into their shared room and stares at Ushijima’s side, his bed is neatly made and there’s just only a couple of books on his side table, along with a single picture, and it makes sense somehow, he laugh miserably, Wakatoshi never really thought of this as the same as him, he had decorated his walls with posters and pictures, he always kept all his things in display because he felt safe here, in this tiny bit of space with Wakatoshi’s presence by his side, he felt _home_. 

When he wakes up the next morning he is glad that he didn’t hear Wakatoshi come back, if he did, he just cares a little, and for that little, he turns still tangled on his sheets only to be faced up by a banner separating his vision from the other half of the room, he’s well familiar with it, sickening bright purple with big white letters that read: “Irresistible force”. Their school's banner, of course, a big piece of rugby culture to bring into your bedroom, lovely. 

He shrugs, he doesn’t know what would be worse if there’s someone or if he’s alone, still, he talks.

“You have to do a better job, Wakatoshi-kun. Tendou’s Wall at least did a good job of keeping us out of each other's lives” he says as he pushes the fabric of the banner aside, Ushijima’s bed is undone. “Not so irresistible now” he says, stepping into his half of the dorm as if he is trespassing a nuclear lab, as if he hasn’t been there, reading mangas on the same bed, playing the guitar sitting at the foot of Wakatoshi’s bed. 

Still, he wanders around as if it’s the first time, taking every detail in that reassures him that someone has lived here, like the undone sheets, the shoes peeking out from under the bed—hey, that’s his manga under it too, he picks it up— and finally the photo on his side table, he had never looked, awaiting for Wakatoshi to show him but since his perfect rugby player roommate is probably gonna ask for a change of bedrooms anyways and he is feeling bold, he picks it up. 

A smile escapes his lips involuntarily. It’s a nice photo, kid Ushijima looks so soft with his chubby cheeks and big bright eyes that he can only be read as happy even for someone who doesn’t know how to read his eyes like him, he also has an awkward big smile but he still looks cute sit on the bow of the boat, he can only see little of the ship, its name wrote on a cursive blue letter, “White Eagle”. 

He puts it back to its place and looks around again, from here his half of the room cannot be seen either, it really is as if they built a thin purple wall between them.

“Farewell then, Wakatoshi-kun”

* * *

Everything seems dull when there is no one to share it, being in his bedroom is like torture, it’s tense even when Ushijima is not there, the old club room doesn’t make it easier, being there is a constant reminder that the place once was his only sanctuary and then it became Ushijima’s too and being there alone when he knows that no one would be coming again it’s sad, even Akaashi’s lessons become boring. The teacher has stopped organizing crazy activities and he can feel the sympathetic look that he gives him and Tendou doesn’t want the pity it carries, he just drifts off as Akaashi read them boring passages like their older teachers did before he got here and something in Tendou feels like this was the right way all along, just like he has lived past years, there’s still a pain in his heart but the faster he can go back to being alone and forget about his little friendship detour with Wakatoshi, the better. 

Or so he thought, but Shiratorizawa had always made a big deal out of rugby, imagine being able to finally brag about something, as the week encloses and the final lumbers over them, the overly enthusiastic maniacs of the school—he firmly believes they are just guys who had been rejected by coach Washijo and decided to make up for it by being exaggeratedly supportive of the team—call them onto cheer practice, just because they doesn’t have cheerleaders doesn’t mean they are not going to overcompensate with having all school chanting ridiculous cheers and warcries—as they call it since they can wrap their minds on the fact that they are just singing. 

In pasts years, Tendou would only mouth the words to it just to keep away said enthusiasts or even mouth along with another song’s lyrics just to be smug about how he’s not doing what they asked for, this year though, he doesn’t feel like even faking it. He can catch a glance of Wakatoshi from across a sea of students heads standing up and singing along the instructions, Wakatoshi just looks down onto the floor, it’s funny how he can still easily read him, he looks like he wants to be anywhere but here, same. _Ha._

Here he is, Wakatoshi having all the school’s attention, acting as if he doesn’t want it, being a star as he is he should be opening up his arms and welcoming it, he doesn’t have the right to look so pissed when he has everything so easily, he is respected, admired, he has a place where he belongs and everyone claims for him. This is his place, he surely didn’t make a mistake when choosing this school, Shiratorizawa is just for him, to be basked in glory, _enjoy it then, Wakatoshi, but let us be in fucking peace then._

This isn’t his place, it never was, feeling like it was a mistake, being guided by Wakatoshi to believe he finally had found a place, how naive of him. He doesn’t sing because he lacks team spirit or whatever, he doesn’t sing because he detests this place that has only made him feel alone again and again. 

And when some student grabs him by the front of his shirt and pulls him aside from the line to further expose him he rages, the thought of _'where are the teachers?’_ doesn’t even cross his mind as he is pushed into the ground, he knows they don’t do shit, not even when he was bleeding and his body was all scattered in bruises. 

“Sing you little gay” the guy demands, oh and _he’s going to fucking do_. Tendou pushes him back from where he is, he gets back up and retrieves the megaphone the guy let down in the middle of their small fight. 

There is a single thought running through his mind: unfair. It’s not fair how he gets to be beaten up, isolated, humiliated, abandoned and Ushijima gets to stand there on the front of the school while all of them are forced to give him and his stupid team all of their attention, it’s not fair how Wakatoshi seems so nonchalant when all these days have been hell for him, and above all, it’s not fair how he gets treated when he and Wakatoshi are exactly alike. 

He makes his way to the stage, ignoring the way the rest of the students start to fell silent at his little outburst, at least, Wakatoshi lifts his gaze at that, he looks confused but he still remembers his shadow looming over him as he pushed him aside, denied everything they have been through and then proceed to ban him from his life aside the previous weeks of isolation. Well, it’s _his_ time to fuck this relationship up, he thinks. 

“Since you all seem to have a liking in shaming other people” he starts, rising the megaphone up onto his lips and staring at the ocean of students now silently watching him, he almost laughs, last time he was on the spot was also because of Wakatoshi. “I’ll tell you who else is gay then” he hears mutters and he basks on them, gossip finally not about him. “Miracle boy, Ushijima Wakatoshi is gay, that’s it!” did he expected a round of applause or something? He isn’t sure but he still bows theatrically, dumping the megaphone before jumping down the stage, smug smirk on his face, he doesn’t dignify a look at Wakatoshi nor at the entire team, he just starts walking out. 

First steps between roads of silent students make him march proudly at his accomplishment, yeah, he just retrieved a gram of all the humiliation he’s been suffering all his life, he just wanted Wakatoshi to live the true experience of being him—even when he knows it’s horrifying living afraid—, well, it’s not like he has ever been afraid before, right? Not like he had felt the need to hide things from the world like this— _shit_.

Midway to the exit the students began muttering, well, they’re not talking about him now, right? His pace begins to be more hesitant, hunching over himself, trying to get to the exit. He already lived through this, the judgment, the whispers, the harassing questions, the disgust on every person’s faces— _he just threw Wakatoshi at that._

When he exits the theatre he has to take some seconds to remind himself how to breathe properly. He just outed Wakatoshi to the entire school.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” he runs because he knows someone will get him and he probably deserves the beat up it’s coming but he’s not eager to receive it.

_ We all have that one memory we mull over again and again at night when we can’t sleep and we need to remind ourselves how terrible of a human we are.  _

_ This is mine.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well you see...I nearly cried at this part in the movie and it was probably when i said 'yeah, im gonna write this as Ushiten' 
> 
> I personally thought that was the worse think Ned could have done on the movie but writing in Tendou's pov had me like yeaaaaah we did it and i realized how much you can let yourself be carried away in a bad moment 
> 
> If i do everything right this has only like two chapters left, but i still have to write them lol i'm gonna try to hurry as much as possible since i'm in vacations from the uni (i'm not really sure how long it will last, my uni is a disaster istg) 
> 
> I love your kudos, comments and bookmarks so suit yourself! Thanks for reading, take care <3
> 
> Come to scream at me on [tw](https://twitter.com/imjustreallysa2) !


	7. Not telling the truth is also a lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ushijima has a lot on his mind right now and he hopes that a talk with Akaashi can clear things up. 
> 
> Tendou knows he had made a mistake, would apologizing will be enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I have been stuck in sakuatsu week so it's really refreshin to come back at this boys <3
> 
> I know I left it in such an angsty stage so haha, let's go with this

Akaashi Keiji was never a talker, he liked to keep most things to himself, random information of him didn’t come easily, he seemed it unnecessary when he was 16 he discovered that that was a lie. He didn’t like telling people things about himself because sometimes it would be held against him, like that one time he had gotten tired of squinting in classes and decided to start wearing his glasses—what? Were they in the ’80s? Calling him four eyes was so old-school, it wasn’t even funny anymore— or when he dropped out of the volleyball team because apparently, it was ‘gay’ to turn around when dressing, which lead him to the main point: what was the issue with being gay? He didn’t know it yet but it raised red flags. 

So even if he was pretty reserved already, he knew exactly what had to be held up now. He saw other guys harassing others that he didn’t even know were truly like him or just happened to be hated by the others and being called something they thought to be degrading. Why does his sexuality have to be considered degrading? He learned to ignore taunts that weren't directed to him even if they made his blood boil, he forced himself to stay away from trouble, he obliged to keep himself silent. Those were not perfect years, it was tiring to hold back everything, to hold on a mask with a polite smile on his face and appear calm while he heard everyone bashing on people like him, who just happened to have different likes. 

Meeting Bokuto Koutarou in college didn’t change much rewarding his opening to people but Bokuto was open, he didn’t give a damn about what other people said to him, he confronted them with a proud smile on his face, Bokuto knew who he was and he wasn’t afraid to scream it to the world. Maybe that admiration was what made Akaashi fall in love with him.

Their relationship was kinda difficult at first, Akaashi had never been open but something about Bokuto made it so easy to be, he felt safe in just being him without having to overthink what was right or wrong, there were no wrong answers with Bokuto. And even if he admitted he still had trouble with sharing the same openness with the world, for now, it was enough with Bokuto, he was his world. 

Akaashi sighed, drinking the last remaining bit of whiskey of his glass, he didn’t tend to drink but it was Friday and he was going to have one hell of a Saturday with all the rugby stuff happening tomorrow, so he might as well spend it with a hangover, there was no way it would worsen everything. 

Truth is, Akaashi’s nerves were on the edge since his last conversation with coach Washijo he was fairly sure of the threat on the coach’s voice, and even if it infuriated him, he didn’t have any option but to comply, he couldn’t lose his job and anyways, Ushijima had stopped appearing by in his classroom so there was no way in getting in trouble. _Ha._ It was just a full-on cycle. 

That’s why when he opened his door late at night, the last person he was expecting to see was Ushijima himself.

“Akaashi-san, may I have a talk with you?” Ushijima had never been vocal about...anything, so the petition made in that kinda desperate voice made him bury his own worries, the feeling to help a student in need went first. 

“Yeah, of course,” he said, but Ushijima just stood still, looking into the hallway, empty, his room was the farthest away from the other teachers so chances of someone walking on them were practically zero, still… “Oh, I’m sorry, by rules I can’t let you in” Ushijima’s eyes widened slightly, a small frown on his eyebrows made him sigh. “Let’s go on a walk”

He walked aimlessly, Ushijima just behind him, he wondered what could possibly be so important for him to not just blur it out there on the hallway outside his room, or on the empty hallways of the school, they even reached the rugby field but Ushijima still didn’t talk, it unnerved him, yeah, he probably had a rough time ordering his own thoughts but if he had demanded to talk, it was probably because he was ready for whatever he might say, Ushijima was not one to act on mere impulse. 

“So...you seem nervous,” he talked first then, the cold air hit his face, making him shiver. The field was poorly lit but he could make Ushijima’s form in front of him, tall, imponent, hands inside his jacket pockets, eyes stuck on the ground. “Does it have something to do with tomorrow’s match? I’m sure you’ll do great”

“I don’t want to talk about rugby” fair enough, Akaashi was apparently supposed to only talk about rugby with him if he followed coach Washijo’s orders. 

“What’s it then?” Luckily for him, Akaashi was also used to the threats so even when he was shaking from both cold and fear of retaliation, he still wanted to help him. 

“I saw you that day on the bar,” he flinched immediately at the memory, the one they both had agreed to never talk about again. “With your...friend—”

“Ushijima-san—”

“No, I mean nothing menacing about it, it’s just—”

“Friends...having a drink together” Akaashi interrupted out of panic, nails digging on his palms to restrain him to blurt out again. 

“Sensei, that’s not—”

“Listen, what you saw—” he sighed, trying to calm down, he understood, Ushijima was scared, alone even, he knew that feeling. “It’s okay...today you might not feel like it, but as the time passes” he heard Ushijima scoff. “As time passes” he repeated, a little louder this time, looking him dead in the eyes, trying to make himself clear. “It gets easier”

“Does it? When?” his voices sound so different than when he was confidently reciting in the classroom, with more emotions than that one time he had him do that sad monologue, this time, it broke for real, Akaashi felt a pang on his heart at the sound.

“When you’re older you will see—”

“When I’m older” Ushijima repeated. “How older, sir? Are you there yet?”

“This isn’t about me” he grunted. “You have to believe in it, Ushijima-san” 

“Seeing you lie about that friend of yours is a big enough proof that it’s still not okay, sensei. So when?” the desperation of his voice was palpable, he needed answers, something that would bring him a bit of relief. “When can I stop lying?” 

“I’m not lying about Bokuto—” _he is._ “You are not lying” Akaashi wasn’t so sure who he was trying to convince anymore, but his near overflood by tears eyes surely won’t do much to convince his student. “I’m sorry but this is how it is, Ushijima-san, we all go on that path because we need to protect ourselves”

“By lying” he couldn’t understand how that rough voice could match those angsty eyes.

“You are just _omitting the truth_ , that doesn’t mean you’re lying” 

“That’s not true” Akaashi grunted again, hands rubbing his eyes behind his glasses, he didn’t know if it was to keep the tears away from spilling or so his cold fingers could stop him from spiraling. “Not saying the truth would also be not living as myself, right?” he shook his head. 

“This is how the world is, we can’t help but do it to _survive_ , Ushijima-san”

“And what about your first lesson?” he looked up at him again, eyes glassy even when the rest of his face remained the same, it was painful to see, so tense, so rough even when his eyes told another tale. “You told Tendou, you told all of us, to never use a borrowed voice, to live by ourselves, so when do I get to, sensei?” 

To teach came with a dangerous price, that is when your students actually learn the lesson, nothing would have made him happier as a teacher than to have his students learn a lesson he taught and apply it to their lives, but right now, contradicting himself, not knowing how to explain to him the long and painful process it was to come to terms with yourself, he could only smile a little, tragically, tears already prickling his eyes again. 

“I don’t know, Ushijima-san” he answered honestly. “But it’ll get better” anyways, he couldn’t answer something that he himself didn’t know. "And easier, with time", he didn’t know for sure but one thing he had clear is that it got better, Bokuto in his life made it better and he was still trying, but it was a long path still “It’ll get better” he repeated, out of any more answers. 

Ushijima chuckled in disbelief, looking at the only person he could think may have helped him, then if someone, as collected as Akaashi, couldn’t live freely with himself how could he? How could he expect to live with the oppression of his chest, with the fear on his veins, the feeling of not being wanted every second of the day, the taunts, the whispers behind his back? Well, he wouldn’t. 

He trailed off the field, hearing his teacher’s calls for him getting quieter every time, choked by silent tears. 

* * *

Night was hell. 

He was awake the whole time he spent on the bed at the infirmary, where the director made him go to sleep after being informed of his well-deserved expulsion and his parents’ visit tomorrow to pick him and his stuff from there—he had also said that he was disappointed on him for making him a newbie feel un-welcomed and harassed, he barely contained his laughter, he knew he did wrong already, that didn’t expel the fact that he was also a newbie when he got bullied and felt un-welcomed and his complains were ignored because _'boys will be boys, Tendou-san, that's how they act'_ —, the whole time he expected to be jerked awake by a bunch of angry players waiting to beat him up, it didn’t happen though, which made him feel even more miserable, of course, the final match tomorrow was more important than him. 

Something was clear in his head, he needed to apologize. If that hadn't made effects the first time who cared? He knew that he was probably beyond forgiveness but he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t get to apologize to Ushijima, friendship or not, he had crossed a line. 

So next morning, not even after breakfast, he was called to the office—damn, flights from Dubai were fast—, his father and stepmother were there, which essentially didn’t matter, he didn’t even hear half of the words the director was saying, he was just focusing on how much time he had before Ushijima and the rest of the rugby team got onto that stupid bus an onto their match, if the director could just shut up now it would be perfect for him. Except he did shut up, not for the reason he wanted. 

“Sir!” Atsumu exclaimed, barging in, he didn’t look up, his dark eye wasn’t even cured, he didn’t need another bruise from the blonde, not in front of his parents. “I—I have to talk to you”

“Miya, you could wait like a normal person”

“I can't,” he rushed. “Ushiwaka is missing” it snapped his attention back, meeting Atsumu’s glaze, he wasn’t even fuming, there was a glint of worry in his eyes that made him feel even more uneasy. 

“What do you mean he is missing?” the director roared back the same question that was on Tendou's head.

“It doesn’t seem like he slept here” Atsumu informed. _Look into the club room,_ was his first thought, but Atsumu knew the place existed, he should have considered it yet, right?

“Did you tell coach Washijo about this?”

“No, I thought it would be better to tell you first”

“Well go tell the coach to come here immediately!” Atsumu nodded and closed the door with a loud bang. The director turned to them again, clearly distressed. 

“Seems like you have great control over here,” his father said. “My son is beaten up and a student is missing”

“They are both separate events” the director tried to convince him, Tendou knew they probably weren’t. 

“Why is he hurt, anyway?” his stepmother asked, no concern on his tone, pure morbid curiosity, probably to get the gossip back to her rich friends, right now, Tendou didn’t care if he was the topic of their conversations for the next year. 

“It’s nothing, it was just my fault” he answered, no more questions asked, the director cut his reprimanding and informed him to pack over. 

Months ago, when the year started, they didn't have to tell him twice for him to start packing and there was nothing more he wanted but to fly away from that awful place. Right now, as soon as he was left alone, he ran towards the club room. Storming in with a loud bang of the door that would surely scare the shit out of someone who was there, Wakatoshi's name died on his throat when his eyes searched through the entire room only to find it empty. This was his sanctuary for many years, the only place where he was in peace, right now, it seem almost terrifying, in the dark, silent, without Wakatoshi by his side. He could see the phantom of old meaningless conversation while they sit on the beanbags, guitars in hand and pretending to practice, he could hear the rumble of Wakatoshi's laugh and the little smile that crept up his lips, barely tugging at the corners, Tendou felt his heart clenching at all the memories they shared here. 

Sighing in defeat, he marched back to his room, wondering where else could Wakatoshi could possibly go. The room was neat when he entered, no mess on his side, Wakatoshi’s was spotless as ever, the banter separating them was nowhere to be seen and as he caught a glimpse of the photo of Wakatoshi grinning at him from the desk, an idea crossed his mind, maybe he did have an idea of his whereabouts. 

He didn’t know he could pack so fast. 

* * *

Duty was duty anyways, no matter how much a late-night conversation fucked up his mental state. So first thing in the morning, Akaashi showered ignoring the buzz on the back of his head provoked by his own hand when he got back to his room after Ushijima stormed off—was he worried for him? Yes. Did he know that Ushijima needed time and space to clear his mind? Also yes but he was certain that he would see him on the field later, with that stoic posture and painful gaze but would still kill it—, he looked at himself in the mirror and admitted that his blank facade was good enough to make it through the day, hell, at least he got to see Bokuto after the game and recharge himself mentally for another hell of a week. 

The hallways were buzzing with students running frantically, waves of purple and white everywhere, jeez, he really hated the effusiveness of everyone and their school pride, he was just trying to get a coffee for god’s sake. Seeing coach Washijo didn’t lift his humor at all. 

“Good morning, Washijo-san” he still greeted politely. 

“You must be happy now, right, Akaashi?” he didn’t expect an answer—which was why he was speeding up, the comment just made him turn on his heels— but if he was it sure as hell wasn’t that. 

“Excuse me?”

“You did it, Ushiwaka won’t be playing” the coach was clearly fuming and Akaashi’s mouth suddenly went dry. 

“W-What you mean?” _I don’t want to talk about rugby._ Well, he didn’t imagine that meant _quitting_ rugby. He knew little of the sport, but he had attended the past games, Wakatoshi was good, like really good, professional good.

“Ushiwaka’s missing” was the only explanation the coach provided before turning around and walking away from him. 

_No, no, no._

There he stood then, feet stuck to the floor as cheerful students passed by him on his way to live their happy lives. Well, what about Ushijima’s happy life? Where was he? Had he said something wrong the night before? He had believed that were some words that he would really appreciate when he was in the same place as Ushijima, the promise of something better was what kept him going and he had found better _but it was not perfect, was it?_

* * *

Tendou spent the entire car ride ignoring his father’s rant, looking for the nearest ports once they reached the city, he only nodded and grunted in response. Scrunching his nose at the smell of cigarette smoke that was being consumed by his stepmother, he rolled the window down as far as it went, he didn’t need _another_ headache.

“I know I’m in trouble, and I accept it, highkey deserve it but please let me off, I need to fix something before anything” he pleaded to his father, looking at his eyes from the rearview. 

“You’re _grounded_ , how do you expect me to say yes to something like that? Do you not understand the seriousness of your actions?”

“No!” he said through gritted teeth. “Because I understand is that I need to fix it”

“You are not going anywhere, Satori” his father held his gaze, warningly, now that they were at a red light he could advert his son, but because they were at a red light…

Tendou squirmed out of the window, running frantically with his father's calls for him getting lower and lower as he sprinted in what he hoped was the right direction. 

* * *

They could all feel the heaviness on the locker room, it wasn’t just the nervousness they already had because of the game it was also the worry for Ushijima, more than one was sure that it wasn’t just because Ushijima was their star player, it was simply because Ushijima was missing. And after yesterday’s issue with Tendou...Ushijima hasn’t directed a word to them, he had just left the place in silence, minutes later than Tendou, but they all thought they knew Ushijima, so they were sure that he was going to come back again and they would go back to ignore the issue lingering there, the rest of the school was whispering but no one on the team was. 

“The bus is here” coach Washijo called, everyone flinched, the silence being broken so abruptly startling them, next they heard the coach grunt. 

“Everyone get—”

“There’s something we need to talk about before this” the coach interrupted, making their attention snap, all eyes on him. “As you might know, the director called me into his office this morning” the response following was a murmur of confirmation in the room. “He informed me that Ushiwaka had gone missing”

“What? They haven't found him yet?” Atsumu was immediately silenced by the coach’s gaze. 

“Apparently he had some...issues that he didn’t resolve” Washijo eyed the room, they were a strong team, yeah, but he had to admit that since Ushijima’s presence they had trained to play with and for him, it would surely throw off all of the team’s balance. “But that’s okay,” he said still. “we all had issues, don’t we? And we are all here today because we know how to bury them and deal with them. We don’t need feelings, we are here to play, don’t we?”

The murmur in the room wasn’t even enough to bounce on the walls. They all knew it, it was a final match they needed to be in their right minds, they should be excited but there was just an emptiness on everyone’s stomach, _is he okay?_

“Don’t we?” he repeated louder. 

“Yes, coach” they repeated back by bare muscular memory. 

* * *

He was glad the little money that he got on him was enough to bring him there, he ran through the boats, looking at its sides reading their names, and searching for the one, it was an empty place, kinda creepy once he thought of it, more reason why he was highly sure that Wakatoshi would be there. 

When he finally found the ‘White Eagle’ he didn’t hesitate to hop on to it, the boat shaking slightly from his weight, well that would surely alert Wakatoshi but he didn’t come out so he stepped closer until he got to the cabin, taking a deep breath to calm his heartbeat before poking his head through the open door. The interior was small, lit only by an old lightbulb painting the insides of the cabin with a dirty yellow light, crammed in there were a small bed, a stove, the tiniest desk with its tiny stool, and there, sit on the neatly done bed, Ushijima was staring back at him, arms behind his back holding him up, shoulders tense and expression mostly blank but he knew not to be fooled, Tendou looked into his eyes, red, slightly swollen even if there was no tear staining his cheeks. 

He sighed from relief, a fond smile pulling on his lips as he felt his heart rushing and calming down at the same time, he was glad he found Wakatoshi, he was also aware they were alone and needed to talk. 

“Hello, miracle boy”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I start taking a lot of creative liberties to made them have a decent talk before the end, I've been waiting to write this from the start, next probably would be the last and maybe longer than this if I can manage haha 
> 
> I'm happy with how this is going and i hope you are enjoying this too, let me know in a comment or leaving kudos if you haven't by now <3

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna wait until I finished out all the fic but I already have like 6000 more words of it and I personally like long fics better than multi-chaptered ones but I also thought it would be tedious to read a 20k fic (I do it often but in writer mode, I don't like to publish that lol)
> 
> I want to apologize a lot for Atsumu, first I Shiratorizawa-him and then I make him the bully but I couldn't think of another one I'm sorry, I actually love him so much but I needed a brat, and next on the list was Oikawa but he didn't go to Shiratorizawa lol so sorry, 'Tsumu, I promise it'll get better 
> 
> I had a dilemma because I suck at all sports, really and I know little of volley bc of Haikyuu and my friends who play so imagine what's like with the rugby thing, honestly that sport seems so confusing to me like why do you kick the ball but also grab it and tackle, also they kinda carry each other (?) it's weird so I'll probably never explain a rugby match or something lol 
> 
> Same with music, I don't know music vocabulary in English lol
> 
> Well let me know what you think and if you've watched the movie I think it was cool I really enjoyed it and I hope to do a good job with this fic 
> 
> If you leave kudos and/or comments I would really appreciate it c:
> 
> Love you all, be safe, wear your mask if you go out, and stay hydrated <3


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